The weekend of Dichotomies

Yet another weekend has gone by and this one was a bit chilly but beautiful weather all the same. With it being a holiday weekend, I didnt get in as much riding as I would have liked, but I am excited for the small bit I did squeeze in.

sneak peak at our weekend!

I was a bit disappointed Friday when Emma mentioned P couldnt make our standing Saturday Jump lesson. I knew I needed to jump or do something with the Dom Schramm clinic coming up this weekend...and I was a bit unsure what to do. Emma mentioned she was going XC schooling and I was totally in to go, but my scheduling didnt work out with hers :(

BUT I got a good kick in the butt from another barn mate and we decided to take our own field trip anyway. So my disappointment turned into some fun!!!

So yes we did go XC school!!

I am not going to lie, I really wanted to wimp out on going because of nerves. I know that is so silly...I would have to go sometime right? But I was really hoping our first time would be under the guidance of P or another instructor to keep Tillie and I on track with trusting each other like we have gotten jumping in the ring. 

But I got talked into it from my barn friend to go and just take it easy and do and jump only what felt good...make it about riding out in the open not the jumps. AND she reassured me I had my pelham to use this time if needed. 

The Pelham certainly came in handy

Once we got there and got all tacked up, I hopped on and took a deep breath. I could feel immediately Tillie was tight all over and super "up". She was sweating profusely despite being a cooler day and was looking all around while power walking it and zig zagging between my legs telling me she was ready.

I took another breath and tried to remind myself we havent done this since Halloween so let her settle in and be patient. I would have loved to let her walk around until she relaxed before pushing up into a trot, but she kept wanting to jig so I felt that getting her moving would be better - so we picked up a trot.

One thing I realized is that she really does a good job enticing me to get handsy....she picked up this itty bitty race horse trot haunches swinging everywhere and I really did try to use my seat and leg to get her tempo where I wanted it, but no go.

So I tried not to overthink this and just decided to just keep moving. You know singing the Dori song from finding nemo in my head. I eventually decided the trot was as good as it was going to get and pushed into a canter. She did ok here and I started to push and pull the canter a bit to test just how much I could let her go without her losing her cool. I am sure we could have pushed more, but what she gave was satisfactory and I wanted to keep it safe and avoid major blow ups....that may be the wrong mindset but I want to try to teach Tillie jumping and riding out here can be just as low key as the ring.

Anyway, I bit the bullet and decided to start warming up over a few small logs with a few goals in mind:

1. Conquer cantering xc fences even downhill ones and just cantering down hill in general
2. Really sit on Tillie and dont let her ever get her head down which leads to bolting
3. jump a down bank until I dont get nervous anymore

I can say I was able to successfully do all three!!!

Warm up - weeeee!

She started off a bit quick on landing and a few times had to really sit on her and use the pelham, but it WORKED. After 2-3 attempts on her part (especially landing on a jump downhill) which required me to really get after her, she settled in nicely minus some general spookiness towards odd lighting which is a bit odd for her, but I am not worried soooo much about that.

I stayed a bit reserved for the first 20-30 min just jumping small logs and coops. We moved on to a BN and Novice ramp which Tillie jumped without issue and without bolting on landing so I was satisfied to walk over to the next field with the more legitimate questions.

I decided to go right to the water complex and we trotted in and out of the water 2x before I trotted up the small bank and right away before I could overthink it came back and cantered down the bank.

All smiles after the down bank

I am a bit disappointed I didnt try the larger one, but for now I did my goal and trying not to be too hard on myself.

I wanted to keep a rhythm so just sorta kept cantering and jumped what came along and felt good. Next came a sunken road question, which wasnt too high height wise but a solid question which Tillie seemed quite bored with. At this point I knew I needed to try some of the more beginner novice/novice sized fences but was having a hard time committing...luckily the barn mate said ok go do this one now! I usually dont have qualms about height of fences, but XC I still dont quite trust Tillie....so I was a bit skeptical. 

My barn mate reassured me that it wasnt that large and just see what happened. LOL in hindsight that logic isnt the best approach, but it worked out for us so I guess it wasnt soooo bad. Anyway, I took a breath and decided to give it a go...I jumped a friendly enough looking fence for momentum and came around to jump the big roll top. 

Tillie soared over it without batting an eye and it rode really well...I continued cantering through the field and finished over a larger house which tillie chipped the first time. I came around a second time (the clip on the video) and she found a nicer spot. At this point she was doing a really nice job staying calm and not getting grabby with me.

As I landed from the house jump, I spotted a brush fence a little ways up and decided to give that a try. It looked good and scary and was in the shade halfway...and sure enough Tillie was very unsure about it and did some dodging. It was a bit narrow which I know Tillie isnt a fan of and will be a question Ill need to work with her more on...I gave her a pat to reassure her and came back around and she jumped it without hesitation. 

I ended things after that since she felt so great by this point and I didnt want to over do it. In hindsight I should have jumped a few things more, like the roll top, to work on her form. 

Once again, I am a bit disappointed to see the footage and she is jumping everything over her shoulder and looking at the fence the entire way. Which I know, I know is her being careful and unsure....and she never touched a single fence which is good...and she is jumping them without issue like this, but still. I just dont like that its not correct. Im trying not to let it bother me and know it will come with more practice...I just am hard on us.

I guess you cant have your cake and eat it too always and I should just be happy we didnt have any major blow ups or out of control gallops! I guess this is the epitome of a dichotomy...I am thrilled with how things felt, but a bit let down at looking back at the footage and it doenst look as good as it felt. My last xc clinic, I had the same reaction to images I saw of her jumping :/ so I guess I just need to accept this is how it is.

Anyway here is the footage:

When boring is where you need to be but you cant accept it

Its hard to remember the fact that my first jump lesson with Tillie was less then a year ago. It was in an indoor when we could only ride 1-2x a week with the frozen ground...I also have to remember that, in the not so distant past, most rides where more "exciting" then not, even when we only flatted. They were riddled with a rushing and non-rhythmic trot, exuberance in the canter and just general over the top sass. The trot rhythm and tempo being the hardest thing for us.

Still trying out this double rein thing.

I say this to remind myself because I often get stuck in where we are now and feel defeated that progress isn't happening - at least not fast enough in my mind. While I am feeling a bit less excited at the moment in both Tillie's progress and my own, I must admit that being here in the land of boring is O.K. 

Sure, we are not uphill enough yet...our canter isnt balanced all the time...she jumps too flat and from the shoulder, BUT at least at this point, we are doing these things with much less attitude and more understanding of our job and what is expected.

The only sass moment from our lesson...so things are 100% boring ;) 

For Tillie, trying to get her to chill the fuck out and be boring has seemed to be my number one objective all along. It has caused me to ride very defensively and Tillie to get angry which starts a viscous cycle. I watch some of my videos and tear us both to shreds and hone in on every last bit of feedback we get to the point of agonizing over it. NOT GOOD and it really isnt helping me by doing this.

What I am currently agonizing over, yet again, is her jumping form over fences and her general way of going which has the tendency to be downhill. We had our weekly jump lesson with P and she remarked how quiet Tillie looked, but she was still jumping too flat and not really pushing like she should be.

Found this gem from last winter...yes its a bit over exaggerated and Tillie taking the long spot, but its a good example of the jumping flat and not round.

Instantly I get myself all worked up because who wants to have a horse that cant jump? I mean she jumps and is super willing (sometimes way too eager) but as an eventer you want a horse that jumps well and safely for both of your sake. Ill give her credit, she is athletic enough that shes gotten by at this point and clears fences fairly easily but we are only jumping max 2'11 right now...most days closer to 2'6 or 2'7. My fear is that there will come a point this poor form will make or break whether or not shes can do this.

Leave it to me to take a perfectly fine lesson or ride and freak out...things calm down, get boring and I get all edgy and jumpy from the residual PTSD I have from the first year of owning this horse when I constantly had to look over my shoulder for a phone call she was injured yet again.

I do not like drama yet I seem to create it for myself.

The moment you forget to finish a portion of the exercise

There will always be something for us to work on. Horses and training are never ending, but I have this awful way of taking what that next thing we need to work on is and turning it into my this anxious worry that my horse wont be my partner in crime.

I want to reach my top goals on her. The far out ones like getting to a 1* and I would love for her to be a horse people see and go, man what a nice horse that is. I know the latter of that statement is me looking for validation...but I do still feel as though Tillie doesnt really get noticed when we go places and it makes me feel like maybe she isnt something special.

My weird tense riding at its finest.

I know that is my downfall and its something I should make a goal every month for the rest of the year to work on.

It doesnt help that I recently noticed a few things that are causing some concern (which seems to just make me that much more edgy and prone to being over anxious on all other things Tillie related).

1. Tillie has intermittently been off her grain. She always will eat her hay in her stall eagerly..but she has never been a picky eater or one to do this. 
2. She is incredibly back sore. I feel like such a bad mom for not noticing because she hasnt been...back sore to the point I just lightly touch her and she buckles and dips so hard I worry she might fall over
3. Horse cant balance and stand in the freaking trailer 

Tillie still seems eager to work and quiet.

I attribute #1 to the increased amount of work and more frequent hauling...I already started her on ulcer treatment BUT with her not eating her food that has it in it doesnt really do anything. I unfortunately think I need to invest in some of the paste which is like 2x more expensive.

#2 I have no idea yet what the cause is but talking with Emma shes talking me off the ledge and we are sort of leaning towards the fact shes been in much more aggressive work and jumping the most frequently she ever has. So basically like us when we start using new muscles get sore. I want to believe this to be the case with her still going so well and jumping so quietly. I fear it may be saddle fit issue, the new pelham bit or, worse yet, the hind end lameness I delt with last year possibly coming back to haunt me and its showing up here first. I have not decided my next course of action yet for this...I think I need to calm the fuck down before making any decisions or spending money of a vet if its isnt needed.

3 I will elaborate more on below...

When your horse canters over fences rather then jumps.

So back to our lesson Saturday, I had to haul us there with Emma being back in business on Izzy! Woo!! But Tillie HATES my trailer and cant stand up to save her life around turns...In another friends that is wider it isnt an issue at all. In Emmas she would mostly for slower turns after being stopped or really slow. BUT for some reason in my little straight load is the worst and you can see her shoulders flying all around, her head goes flying side to side and it just generally looks unpleasant. I have no idea why she still even loads because I KNOW how much she hates not being balanced. I have started using shipping boots for fear shes going to slice herself open in her scrambling.

I have no idea how to remedy this other then keep hauling and hope she figures it out.

Bitch please, Im fabulous

Other then that we tacked up with a lot of her looking around and just disregarding my space (a few good checks on that she was fine) and hacked up to the ring like a pro. I am so pleased with how well shes gotten this part down since the first few times she was so jumpy and jigging the entire way up there.

This was my first attempt to jump in double reins. It is really apparent I need a curb rein and my current one is way too bulky/uncomfortable, but it was good enough to attempt and P commented that this bit has really seemed to mature Tillie. She know seems to understand her job and despite occasional sass its usually when shes calling me out on something I screwed up.

 Tillie went through every exercise like it was no big deal...watching back the videos from this lesson though it is really apparent just how flat and low she is jumping AND just in general my lack of equitating even on the flat. WTF?! Just a few lessons ago I felt like it was better and now my heel is up and my back is hunches and my shoulders are so tense I look like a tool.

All in all the lesson was long!! a good 2 hours at least with a lot of standing around and catching up which was wonderful...it was a solidly boring ride from Tillie made not boring from all of my woes.

so anyway here is the video mash up of some clips a student of mine capture (sorry for the poor quality, Emma and I are definitely going to put her in videoing boot camp!)

Trying new things and feeling like a goober

Despite the poor weather forecast, the rain subsided to allow for a cloudy, yet warm evening. I chose to put off some freelance work a bit longer and go put in a ride I have been putting off...trying the double reins on the pelham. 

The pelham has been a bit we have been using over fences as of late in P lessons on Saturdays...it really has helped to get that rebalancing half halt even with the bit converters. P has recommended playing with the double reins to really get the full action of the bit so we can try it XC weather permitting once I feel ready. 

Note Tillie's excitement.

Now, fellow blooger and barn mate Emma, has been an awesome cheerleader and reassuring it would not be as bad as I was making it out to be. So I planned a night I knew she would be there for moral support. 

I do not have flat curb reins yet in order to make sure this bit really is going to stick around...so I used some old dressage reins which are in desperate need of a cleaning and very stiff. The snaffle reins I stuck with what I was familiar with - my thinline reins. 

Warming up a bit...pretty sure I am laughing at myself at this point.

We head down to the ring and Emma did a brief overview of different ways to hold the reins and gave some pointers...thank goodness because I got on, looked down and thought: "Oh my god, that is a lot of leather"

Trying to figure out the feel between the snaffle and curb was a bit odd, let alone trying to shorten one or the other independently. I guess that will come with time, practice and technique. Other then that, it wasnt all that strange to have both sets once we started walking around. 

I think she looks quite grown up and like a real dressage horse!

Tillie instantly felt really supple and easy to maneuver...Not sure if it was the bit or not, though I am hoping I wasn't using the curb rein action yet. So we moved up into trot and she again was super responsive despite the flurry of activity around us (There was a lesson and a few lease riders in the ring). Clearly, Tillie is more agreeable in the warmer weather. 

I played a little at this point shortening and lengthening the reins trying not to catch her too much with the curb. Once I felt it was as good as it was going to get for the evening there, I warmed up into canter. Her canter depart has felt a bit sticky as of late...I partially think its my cue timing issue and her missing my cue. I also feel like her canter isnt strong at all (or I am finally realizing/able to feel it) and she really isnt sitting. She gets by on being naturally balanced to a degree, but its definitely something I need to work on in coming rides. 

Hey there uphill trot...where have you been all year!?

Besides that, her canter felt really easy to navigate and keep inside bend unlike usual. So yay for a win there! I tried really hard in canter and trot to have soft elbows to open and close...but rewatching some of these videos I realize it still isnt enough.

Despite that, she seemed pretty darn consistent. I was having way too much fun and almost called it a day when Emma suggested trying some ground poles both at the trot and canter. By this point the double reins werent too noticeable, but I did frequently try to check where the tension was and be sure it was off the snaffle so I only had tension on the curb IF needed. It came in handy with the poles...

The trot I fully expected her to build which is a tendency of hers through poles...often times leaving in canter. Not sure if she knew I had the pelham on or if I was accidentally using the curb but as you can see in the video below, she held it together and looked like she knew what was up. 

So to make things interesting we tried in canter. She got a bit forward the first attempt on each lead and the first try on left lead she did a flying over the last pole to land on the incorrect, right lead...I figure that was a weight placement issue on my end because the next time through she handled it beautifully. 

At this point I was having so much fun I sort of just threw in a mixed bag of sitting trot/changing rein then posting trot across the diagonal to see how well she would handle "building" but coming back. At one point in the video you can see how smart she is and catches on, tries to go ahead a build across the diagonal without me asking to which I quickly shut down and asked for a smaller trot instead.

Love how canter poles create the front end lift for me!

What was so wonderful about this ride was Tillie had so much try and willingness it was almost freaky. Any small amount of resistance I got was simply a lack of understanding, strength or just unsure. With some insistence on my part, she quickly would go OK fine. 

Left bend still REALLY gives me a hard time to get her straight, without twisting her poll, just bending the neck or her losing the right side. I do believe it stems from my crookedness because as soon as i concentrate on evening my seat bones and watch my twisting it seems to remedy itself. 

YAWN! Worked sooooo hard.

It is uncharacteristically warm - which I am NOT complaining about, but it did mean having a super sweaty Tillie by the end of our ride...so I got to blow dry her for the first time using our electrogroom! Tillie has been vacuumed with it before, so was a bit shocked at first at the different sensation and was a perfect lady standing for it...just was very expressive in her faces to tell us how she felt. She was so extremely cuddly too it was hard to resist. 

So cuddly after the ride with Auntie Meri (Miseventer) 

So there is my recap on my night of a few firsts....here is some footage of our ride towards the end:

Slowly but surely we are getting there...

This past Saturday, I finally felt like a human being again after being sick with whatever I had. I finally felt well enough to strap my riding gear on and go back for a jump lesson with P. The baby horse that tagged along during my last post/dressage lesson also tagged along here...so I was really hoping Tillie could behave and provide the young horse with some structure. 

Hacking up to the lesson ring...Tillie says let me show you how its done

The other horse again had a bit of a trailering phobia so Tillie was patient and luckily made things easier by walking on and off no issues whenever it was asked. She also led the way to the mini trail up to the ring while the young horse did a good job taking it all in, being scared but didnt put one foot wrong. Yay for baby horse progress! I am so happy for this friend and glad her green bean learned so much on this outing making it a positive one for them both.

What was so wonderful about this day is it was almost 70 degrees!! I cant remember the last time I have ever worn a T-shirt riding in December. I could definitely get used to this. Tillie warmed up a bit wound up, but behaved. P had me try my new set up with the Pelham after discussing how she felt and the fact we hadnt jumped in two weeks. 

Going over the warm up jump and mini grid the first few times was interesting...and almost resulted in me running over Emma. I was laughing at this point because she was just so happy to be back jumping and while it was rude, I have really begun to feel stronger and not so worried at her antics. 

P tightened up the curb chain and said, yes you need to give over the fences despite this, BUT if you land and she isnt half halting you are ok to set her down and draw the line. 

So here were a few times doing just that:

Trying to stretch more over fences.

In the lesson I was concentrating on so many things, that I didnt even realize until after the fact that Tillie got the picture fairly quickly and we ended up having a decent lesson.

Look mom I can dressage between jumps!

Here is our first attempt at cantering into a fence/line and you could tell we both just are out of practice and seeing the distances just wasnt happening. So when in doubt, count!

So here is the second attempt to clean it up a bit:

Of course, in true P form we start building and slowly making a course. So she wanted us to do the grid, to the 2 or 3 stride line to this angled fence. We ended up chipping into the angled one as we both just didnt see the distance again. You can also see she just wasnt expecting it and almost broke to trot thinking we were done a few strides out. But the 3 stride line this time rode beautifully!

So P sends us to come back just to that fence to try again:

Tillie thought she was just the best pony in the whole world.

So we finally put the whole thing together and I decided to try to open up a little more and go for the striding in the lines a horse with an easier 12' stride would do...so the 3 stride line I would do in 2 and the last outside line I would do in 4 instead of 5 strides.

Nailed it! 

Tillie questioned the 2 at first but good girl said OK. The 4 stride she ate up no problem. I am grinning from ear to ear upon landing because she landed forward and felt like she has in the past juuusstt before putting her head down and dolphin diving but she didnt and it was just this cool feeling of her energy just being like "YEA I did good!" without it being too over the top.

Every lesson we have jumped this, she has jumped it so well and enthusiastically. 

Maybe Ill have more smiling photos by the end of next year :)

So weirdly enough, the next day she didnt eat all of her grain again. Totally happy to eat hay and bright and all...but she did this last time we went to a P lesson and came back. She always eats everything and dinner fine but not sure whats up with it?

I gave her Gastra-FX before going to help with any stress and shes on ulcer treatment now. Her teeth have been done this last summer...Anyone have any ideas?

Another lesson recap

Tillie and I had our third lesson with trainer P Saturday and it was a lesson filled with many things that have flooded my brain to process. So this will be my best attempt at processing...

Hey uphill trot...where have you been all my life

Tillie hacked out to the ring this time like an old pro. No jigging or dancing around at all even with a giant group in the ring doing some fun Christmas thing. It was utter chaos with bows, bells, shiny garlands and christmas decor on ponies that were running around, jumping etc. 

Tillie took it all in just fine until they started to leave and a neighbor was driving around a remote car in the field next to the ring. This to Tillie was just the scariest thing ever. So our warm up was a bit tense with some pretty hard spooks I am not used to riding. P just consoled me and said act like no big deal and dont make a fight out of it. 

Isnt she just so cute?

Left bend struggles:

She felt a bit flat at the trot and not very supple, especially to the left...I hate to say heavy because she really wasnt but she felt a bit like a lug. Usually I can have her like a rubber band and she just feels easy to manipulate. 

I struggle with her left bend because she'll start to bend at her neck not the poll or her whole body and then throw her right outside shoulder off the path so shes no longer straight, but she isnt properly using her body either. 

Homework: P prescribed homework of lots of transitions, getting her straight in the warm up, lots of turn on haunches and/or turn on the forehand and some other lateral movements in the walk to really be sure I can move all parts of her body. 

Finishing the flat warm up: Usually when she trots around like a lug her canter is a mess and she bogs down on me, but for whatever reason her canter was just lovely! Because of Tillie's tendencies to get flat and recent XC outings, I have asked P about bit options (and have been toying with them for a while) and she suggested trying a Pelham. 

P  had me switch bits to try the pelham with bit converters on it so it would be a softer adjustment for both myself and Tillie and I wouldnt have to worry about two sets of reins just yet:

I went back out and did a quick w/t/c set both directions with it on to see what Tillie thought. Right away P reminded me to just ride softer and the amazing thing was, I felt like I could. I barely needed to touch the reins and Tillie seemed much happier to respond off my seat half halt after she felt the bit a bit more. 

So on to jumping we went. 

The first warm up fence was just a trot in to a vertical to see how this bit would go. I really had to focus on soft hands and letting her take the reins with this bit so our rhythm up to the fence did change a bit, which P didnt seem to mind:

P then sent us through the same grid as last week, again really having me focus on leaving her alone and staying out of her way through the grid. 

Some the other horses in our lesson were having drifting problems (which we had our first lesson with P lol) so she set the grid with a ton more poles to help promote straightness. The conversation here got missed, but I believe the landing here is where P discussed with me about owning Tillies outside shoulder and getting her straighter to balance her when circling. We will see more of this issue in a later video.

After that it was on to warming up over some other fences before we would do the whole the course. This moment, by far, was the shining moment for me in this lesson. I got the hugest adrenaline rush from this one fence because we both just felt so in tune and like we really nailed it. 

P had us keep going to come right back and do the whole line. It could be a 4  but we did it in a 5, but what was nice it was a fairly even 5. 

We took a bit of a moment here to talk about what was good and bad and the course we would be doing. I LOVED hearing from P that I was doing a better job releasing and letting her stretch, so Tillie was jumping better because of it. WOOO!!

Stretch Tillie Stretch! 

So on to trying the entire thing, and while some of it was nice, others were not. The grid was fine and quiet, but really apparent that I am collapsing my right side and dropping left which is why Tillie isnt landing on the left lead even though we discussed trying to do this in the lesson.

Uh...rogue right hand apparently goes along with that.

But Tillie lands and does a change for me, but we lose the outside shoulder again like I mentioned earlier, so decided to circle before attempting the next part of the course. Basically I need to use more right thigh!!!

The line rode fine in a 4!! It felt like we came in a bit long and I think you can hear me sort of squeal in surprise, but it was fine and we rode out fine.

WEEEEEEEEE!!!

Then came time to use the half halt and I tend to be a bit dormant and not quick enough / dont get the timing right which makes us biff the next fence. Plus side is Tillie rode out of it like ok so what...whats next? 

The outside line rode very nicely again for us and that was that! 

So of course P had us try again...and some things got better while others regressed. At this point I could tell Tillie was tired from the last two days of lessons as she was a bit more backed off to fences then usual this last go. P had me think HALT after the grid portion to better balance her for the first line which got us a much better approach. 

Just because this fence and line worked out so nicely each time for us.

Unfortunately the striding to the second fence didnt really work out BUT we landed and Tillie wanted to build, I was able to use a clearer half halt to get a nice ride to the oddly angled fence. This moment is when I fell in love with the pelham because I half halted fairly lightly, but could give it back! And Tillie listened! WOOOO!! 

Then we ended with the final line again which we came in a bit tight so Tillie sorta questioned the last fence (you can see her sorta dodge left right before). 

All in all it was another good solid lesson and another page in Tillie's book for learning. I am desperate to get back to C for a long overdue dressage lesson to get our trot back on track, back the fact her trot is now erring on the side of flat and slow is a step in the right direction from the rushed million miles an hour trot.  

Tillie got a much deserved day off Sunday...which good thing, because mare came in not 100% for breakfast and really only picked at her food. Luckily, she seemed fine otherwise and was eating hay, pooing and peeing, drinking, normal gums and temp so we just kept a close eye on her and she seemed to work out of it. Nothing like stressing mommy out after a few good rides! 

Tillie says I not used to working this hard!