The Anniversary of why I am a worry warrior

On this very day two years ago, marks the event that has turned me into the worry warrior that I am today...call it PTSD or neurosis but either way it scarred me for life. I had two horses injured at one point before this and was all "they'll be fine" and took it all in stride, but for whatever reason, this event did me in.

Tillie was depressed and lethargic when I got there...so imagine my alarm when my
bright eyed and usually nutty OTTB was acting this way even after being stalled for 24 hours.

I worked a full day of work when I was driving home and got a call from a barnmate. They said Tillie's leg was swollen...and I should call me vet because she was non weight bearing and had a high fever. As I said, I have had injuries before, but this was the first potential career ending or worse yet life ending injury.

So one panicked call to my vet later he was on his way while I cold hosed her leg which looked even worse then I imagined.

Holy moly fat leg batman

The crazy thing is, we had just had a snow storm, so everyone was in stalls all night and day so I was not sure how on earth she could have done such a number on herself. I start rattling off all the possible things it could be and literally felt like I couldnt breath...after all I only have had Tillie at this point since July - roughly 7 months.

Tucked away just after being poked and prodded all night.

The vet came and right away administered bute and banimine as well as antibiotics as well as tapped the joint fluid to check for a joint infection...it was too swollen to ultrasound, but we xrayed to rule out any breaks. Basically it turned into a waiting game..if she wasnt any better by the next day to clinic we would go as well as wait for the joint fluid results.

Where the joint fluid was pulled

I was up and at the barn by 4am with Tillie still a bit under the weather...and I couldnt wait to take a look at her.  I breathed a slight sigh a relief...the swelling was down slightly. Not great, but she was walking on it slightly better..still hobbling on it, but wanting and willing to move.

The next day...still depressed, but more mobile.

 Called my vet and he gave us our orders to sit tight and wait: So we pressed on to another day with orders to cold hose and DMSO and wrap 2x a day. Side note: my vet was phenomenal through this case...he really did answer and ASK for me to call him all hours of the day with updates and texts, videos and pictures. I didnt blog yet so ALL of these pictures were to send to him for updates.

The swelling seemed stagnant the next few days which continued to worry me. Luckily some worries were assuaged when we got the results that the joint fluid was clear with no infection...it just begged the question what on earth this was all from. At this point my vet started throwing around cellulities but kept saying it was just odd the swelling was being so persistent.

The next day:

Still giant :( so my vet planned to come out and do a regional profusion where he basically used a tourniquet  below her stifle and then pumped IV antibiotics directly into her leg for close to an hour. She was already taking oral antibiotics and banimine, plus got another shot of Exceed (i think) - thick peanut butter like antibiotic. At this point I started her on rantidine to help with digesting all the bute and SMZs.

Day three after the initial event:

Her skin was starting to crack and peel in some areas from the pressure from the swelling so we combated that to prevent further infection and did the first overnight sweating of the limb - DMSO  plus Furacin saran wrapped under a standing bandage.

I could hardly believe the improvement the next morning! We were cleared after this to start hand walking a few laps and now she was at least standing without pointing the limb and only a 3/5 lameness.

The vet had me only cold hose in the morning and no longer DMSO since she was starting to show scurfing and irritation, but it was progress. So he had us do another overnight sweat:

It was getting there, but the hock was still retaining ALOT of swelling that my vet seemed a bit perplexed about. He decided to keep having us hand walk and if she could remain calm, try limited hour long turn out in the round pen so she could move a bit more and see if more movement would help. 

So I would go every day before work at 4am to rewrap it and administer meds to make sure she ate them and again after work to cold horse or sweat the limb, hand walk her and then turn her out while I cleaned her stall and set it up for the next 24 hours. 

Tillie was much brighter and eating more.

My vet must have not been 100% confident in movement working, so he decided to come out and do an ultrasound...the first of many of the next few weeks. I started to worry again more since we were improving in many ways but the swelling still just wasnt going anywhere. I started researching other treatments and purchased a hand held cold laser therapy machine that was the correct strength for horses and added that to our routine BUT it seemed to drastically help!

Looks kind of like this

Some definition coming back t the limb but the hock still huge.

 My vet still couldnt find anything depsite all the ultrasounding and finally referred me to go to a specialist since he was concerned he was missing something.

Notice her skin funk and scurfing from all the touching, prodding, cold hosing.

So The next day I packed up a trailer and off we went to our local hospital. It was my first time hauling by myself and it was terrible not having anyone there. Plus Tillie wasnt nearly as good at loading she she is now so it was stressful all around.

Tillie waiting to go to the clinic.

 More sedation and alcohol on the leg for ultrasounding...poor things leg was so dry from it all I wasnt sure how much more it could take. The specialist spent some time on the phone with my vet and looked over the xrays and all in all said it was just a weird case, BUT it was cellulitis and just keep doing what we are doing and even start building up to turn out. He prescribed previcox to get her off the bute and give her stomach a break and told me go home and turn her out for a few hours and just watch her in case she got too excited.

Way to stay calm Tillie

Well she didnt exactly stay calm, but she was fine by the time she was still enough for me to catch her.

Random note: the fact that I can remember this all two years later is a testament to how much this all scarred me. 

We had another snow storm looming and now Tillie was starting to feel better she started getting a bit rowdy in her stall...5 yr old OTTB on stall rest for a few weeks = crazy town. She would start losing it whenever she heard me coming knowing I was the one feeding her and letting her get out of the box. 

FEEEEED ME.

Weirdo licking the stall door.

So yea, stall licking was happening alot so I started her on electrolytes and a salt block in her food bowl which she never failed to throw it out into her bedding and bury it somewhere. This also marks when we attempted to move her stall next to another horse on stall rest to see if it would help calm her down but it only made them kick and fuss at each other all day...so we moved them a stall apart so they could see each other but not make contact. 

because bandage bows happen when kicking happens

So yea...a minor set back from the bandage bow from it slipping from her kicking. But moving them and ace did the trick. At least for a period of time...She started losing weight from all the stress, but also she started going through a growth spurt. (can anyone say bum high!?)

We built up to a few hours out each day in a small paddock and while Tillie wasnt exactly good about staying calm, she managed to keep herself out of trouble. That is until a few days into turn out her leg was much larger again...coincidentally after the snow started to melt and there was mud, so my vet though a relapse :(

See Mom I am being good!

Not to keep boring everyone with details but it was a long process...I moved her from this facility for a while to one of my trainers and was a working student for a while thinking that would at least educate me more while on the sidelines.

So we settled in there and finished out rehabbing and working up to full turn out....it wasnt without its ups and downs.

just after stepping off the trailer

This is about the time Tillie discovered she was a fire breathing dragon...below is a still frm a video I was taking for my vet to show progress.

We started back into light work after another month...but she continued to come in with random injuries and had lingering swelling in the limb for quite some time. She was still not 100% sound even after moving her to the facility we are at now (where I teach lessons and much closer to home). The entire summer of 2015 was spent battling this lameness and trying to figure out if it was related or not (right hind was not stepping under her as much as the left).  

Here is some from her in April.

soooo much poulticing

Looks who started gaining weight and evening back out!

June starting back into work:

and a puncture wound....setting us back about a week again.

Then we moved to where we are now and after a few more weeks off  from what we thought was suspensory strain in that same leg....and DMSO....I could RIDE!!! ALLL smiles :)

So ultrasounds showed nothing, and the residual lameness my vet had us tackle it by putting on hind shoes, a slow build up back into full work (like so slow) and pentosan. Its been slow but shes been SOUND. I make this part of the story sound less stressful then it was. But I was told to ride my horse and see what happens....so every ride I was asking people does she look ok? for fear of it getting worse or not getting better.  

She has been off the pentosan now for a full year (I took her off last winter) but her hind shoes are still on. You guys have since heard what we have been up to since then...Now I get to worry about normal training things like her trying not to kill me and while I get upset and down sometimes on where we are, I always am soooooo grateful I have a horse that is ride-able. 

winter 2015 

When boring is where you need to be but you cant accept it

Its hard to remember the fact that my first jump lesson with Tillie was less then a year ago. It was in an indoor when we could only ride 1-2x a week with the frozen ground...I also have to remember that, in the not so distant past, most rides where more "exciting" then not, even when we only flatted. They were riddled with a rushing and non-rhythmic trot, exuberance in the canter and just general over the top sass. The trot rhythm and tempo being the hardest thing for us.

Still trying out this double rein thing.

I say this to remind myself because I often get stuck in where we are now and feel defeated that progress isn't happening - at least not fast enough in my mind. While I am feeling a bit less excited at the moment in both Tillie's progress and my own, I must admit that being here in the land of boring is O.K. 

Sure, we are not uphill enough yet...our canter isnt balanced all the time...she jumps too flat and from the shoulder, BUT at least at this point, we are doing these things with much less attitude and more understanding of our job and what is expected.

The only sass moment from our lesson...so things are 100% boring ;) 

For Tillie, trying to get her to chill the fuck out and be boring has seemed to be my number one objective all along. It has caused me to ride very defensively and Tillie to get angry which starts a viscous cycle. I watch some of my videos and tear us both to shreds and hone in on every last bit of feedback we get to the point of agonizing over it. NOT GOOD and it really isnt helping me by doing this.

What I am currently agonizing over, yet again, is her jumping form over fences and her general way of going which has the tendency to be downhill. We had our weekly jump lesson with P and she remarked how quiet Tillie looked, but she was still jumping too flat and not really pushing like she should be.

Found this gem from last winter...yes its a bit over exaggerated and Tillie taking the long spot, but its a good example of the jumping flat and not round.

Instantly I get myself all worked up because who wants to have a horse that cant jump? I mean she jumps and is super willing (sometimes way too eager) but as an eventer you want a horse that jumps well and safely for both of your sake. Ill give her credit, she is athletic enough that shes gotten by at this point and clears fences fairly easily but we are only jumping max 2'11 right now...most days closer to 2'6 or 2'7. My fear is that there will come a point this poor form will make or break whether or not shes can do this.

Leave it to me to take a perfectly fine lesson or ride and freak out...things calm down, get boring and I get all edgy and jumpy from the residual PTSD I have from the first year of owning this horse when I constantly had to look over my shoulder for a phone call she was injured yet again.

I do not like drama yet I seem to create it for myself.

The moment you forget to finish a portion of the exercise

There will always be something for us to work on. Horses and training are never ending, but I have this awful way of taking what that next thing we need to work on is and turning it into my this anxious worry that my horse wont be my partner in crime.

I want to reach my top goals on her. The far out ones like getting to a 1* and I would love for her to be a horse people see and go, man what a nice horse that is. I know the latter of that statement is me looking for validation...but I do still feel as though Tillie doesnt really get noticed when we go places and it makes me feel like maybe she isnt something special.

My weird tense riding at its finest.

I know that is my downfall and its something I should make a goal every month for the rest of the year to work on.

It doesnt help that I recently noticed a few things that are causing some concern (which seems to just make me that much more edgy and prone to being over anxious on all other things Tillie related).

1. Tillie has intermittently been off her grain. She always will eat her hay in her stall eagerly..but she has never been a picky eater or one to do this. 
2. She is incredibly back sore. I feel like such a bad mom for not noticing because she hasnt been...back sore to the point I just lightly touch her and she buckles and dips so hard I worry she might fall over
3. Horse cant balance and stand in the freaking trailer 

Tillie still seems eager to work and quiet.

I attribute #1 to the increased amount of work and more frequent hauling...I already started her on ulcer treatment BUT with her not eating her food that has it in it doesnt really do anything. I unfortunately think I need to invest in some of the paste which is like 2x more expensive.

#2 I have no idea yet what the cause is but talking with Emma shes talking me off the ledge and we are sort of leaning towards the fact shes been in much more aggressive work and jumping the most frequently she ever has. So basically like us when we start using new muscles get sore. I want to believe this to be the case with her still going so well and jumping so quietly. I fear it may be saddle fit issue, the new pelham bit or, worse yet, the hind end lameness I delt with last year possibly coming back to haunt me and its showing up here first. I have not decided my next course of action yet for this...I think I need to calm the fuck down before making any decisions or spending money of a vet if its isnt needed.

3 I will elaborate more on below...

When your horse canters over fences rather then jumps.

So back to our lesson Saturday, I had to haul us there with Emma being back in business on Izzy! Woo!! But Tillie HATES my trailer and cant stand up to save her life around turns...In another friends that is wider it isnt an issue at all. In Emmas she would mostly for slower turns after being stopped or really slow. BUT for some reason in my little straight load is the worst and you can see her shoulders flying all around, her head goes flying side to side and it just generally looks unpleasant. I have no idea why she still even loads because I KNOW how much she hates not being balanced. I have started using shipping boots for fear shes going to slice herself open in her scrambling.

I have no idea how to remedy this other then keep hauling and hope she figures it out.

Bitch please, Im fabulous

Other then that we tacked up with a lot of her looking around and just disregarding my space (a few good checks on that she was fine) and hacked up to the ring like a pro. I am so pleased with how well shes gotten this part down since the first few times she was so jumpy and jigging the entire way up there.

This was my first attempt to jump in double reins. It is really apparent I need a curb rein and my current one is way too bulky/uncomfortable, but it was good enough to attempt and P commented that this bit has really seemed to mature Tillie. She know seems to understand her job and despite occasional sass its usually when shes calling me out on something I screwed up.

 Tillie went through every exercise like it was no big deal...watching back the videos from this lesson though it is really apparent just how flat and low she is jumping AND just in general my lack of equitating even on the flat. WTF?! Just a few lessons ago I felt like it was better and now my heel is up and my back is hunches and my shoulders are so tense I look like a tool.

All in all the lesson was long!! a good 2 hours at least with a lot of standing around and catching up which was wonderful...it was a solidly boring ride from Tillie made not boring from all of my woes.

so anyway here is the video mash up of some clips a student of mine capture (sorry for the poor quality, Emma and I are definitely going to put her in videoing boot camp!)