I DONT WANNA TACO BOUT IT

Anyone that rides or owns horses knows the extreme highs and lows one can and will experience. Especially if working towards a goal or for those of us that compete. This blog is dedicated to the things that are not pretty and I often times find myself thinking:

The cold hard truths on the path we have taken, where we want to go and asking the questions you bury deep down. Me for example: I fear I have a horse that is too much for me. It isnt something I say out loud often for fear it will become something that will overwhelm my thoughts and make me more insecure or worse, actually become worse and make me have to do something about it. It is really unmentionable.

I haven't given up on our partnership though and feel our work together isn't anywhere near complete. There are days I feel totally competent and have faith we will reach my ultimate goal of a 1* event. (Well now I said that out loud so guess I have to make it happen eventually!) Yet our struggles force me to question if we both are actually getting somewhere or just hindering each other's ability to grow.

Tillie clearly disagrees with me putting my foot down and saying NO to tearing around XC like a maniac

Horses have a way of making us humble, and sometimes the more extreme feeling of inadequate. This is not a sport for the faint of heart. I see professionals and other amateurs facing similar struggles and my faith is restored that I too will have a partnership that strong that it appears to be effortless.

Another thing I dont admit out loud often: I have a real phobia of riding new horses I do not know well. The CHA certification week was a nice way to dull that fear slightly (well they were all beginner safe horses so I hope so lol).

One of the few horses I got on and felt comfortable enough to jump in the first ride. 4yr old green OTTB that I owned for a brief time because of how comfortable I felt in this test ride. 

I know that this fear is my body's self preservation at it's finest, but I cant help but feel ridiculous. Tillie is not an easy horse by any means, but she certainly isnt the hardest thing I have ever seen or come across. I know I have a lot of tools in my tool belt to be able to ride most horses I have the opportunity to ride. So why the hesitation?

I certainly am not guilty of overestimating my abilities, but I am also aware of what I do and dont feel comfortable with. I SHOULD feel comfortable riding most of the horses I have had the opportunity to at this point, yet I still feel insecure.

I was way more confident on my old guy, despite being green...I was much less educated here BUT I thought I knew a lot. Ohhhh how things have changed. 

Adding in another wrench, I probably would have no problems riding the horse in question alone without an audience. So I guess that means I am worried this said horse will call out a lack of ability making it apparent to an audience what my weakness as a rider are.

I know them, so who cares if other people do? I am pretty darn open...BUT I also know I put a ton of pressure on myself and have really high standards. I started riding later then most people and competing only a few years ago...so I feel incredibly behind.

Total fail moment

I see trainers in my area that are younger or my age just killing it and make it all look so easy while I'm over here like "I dont have enough leg for that" or "I have no breaks!!"

My face here says it all - NOT ENOUGH LEG! 

Now, any of my followers know I have no issues talking about my shortcomings and confidence issues. What I keep locked away though are some of the darker fears of being over-horse, scared of new horses and scared I'll never reach my goals.

We all have fears and mine seem to have become a frequent demon this year that has made me sensitive and thin skinned which I never was before. I hear something about Tillie and immediately think its a reflection of me and my work with her. Something as simple as she played hard in the field so she isn't calm enough...she doesn't go long and low to seek contact yet so she doesn't understand contact...she jumps over her shoulder. etc. ALL things that are true and can be worked on, but still somewhere along the lines I get defensive in my head or panic I am ruining her.

Ruining me?! NOOOOOO

Anyway, there it is...my I don't wanna taco bout it. I don't know many other people will want to share theirs, but I can always do a blog hop if people seem interested.