There is nothing worse than....

I have used this phrase a lot lately...and when things get tough my usual positive spin on things takes a turn for the south. It is hard to stay positive when things are not going your way. In more than just barn stuff, life has been tough.

But I do have the old saying...

Basically when shit hits the fan, you dont give up. You persevere. When everyone else would walk away, you stay and fight it out.

I need this reminder right now because I am feeling particularly down and out about my own personal riding capabilities right now.

Tillie meanwhile is quite happy....most of the time

Its one thing to know what is limiting you in regards to progress with your horse and their training level...you know, setting realistic expectations. Which I am notorious for putting the cart before the horse and getting wayyyyy too ahead of myself. However, I do think I have done a much better job this year keeping my expectations in check.

Like going into a training level event, but not give any shits about time

So where am I feeling the hardship?

I have not been one to back off a fence because it is big. I attribute much of that to my extremely courageous partner. Tillie and I have never had a refusal or run out - only 1x schooling xc and it was completely my fault. I feel incredibly fortunate to have such a forgiving horse in that way.

But where I am currently struggling is my own ability when it comes to setting Tillie up so she can get the best jump possible. I kid you not...I can't even jump a beginner novice fence without biffing a distance right now when just a short while ago we could own a training level stadium course smoothly and out of a forward rhythm.

Well we tried to learn how to gallop the other day....Tillie learned fast is fun while Mommy learned that we can go faster than the speed of light with steering being optional and half halting is no where in our definition

In short, it really sucks when the realization hits you that your own incompetence is hindering your progress. I get it. We all face the fact we have things to improve on and will forever be working on something. But I am without a doubt in an existential crisis of "what the fuck are you doing?!"

I can sit here and brag about how far we have come this year and the little things since that are better. But at the end of the day, my recent lessons have felt a bit redundant. No fault to Tillie at all. I know when Tillie is resistant and not cooperating and for a little bit there, she deserved that blame. She sort of kind of did turn into a fire breathing dragon when it got chilly suddenly, but we have since worked that out and the only person to blame is myself.

Yawn - Snooze - Boring says Tillie

OK, OK...I sound like I am being realllllly harsh on myself. Maybe I am. But I hate feeling like I pay for the same lesson more than once....and hate even more what my trainer must think when they repeat the same thing over and over again.

I understand the concept, but implementing it....well thats another story.

oh hayyyyyy

I havent felt this insecure in a while. Last time I did, we were in a rut...and maybe that is it: We are at another plateau ironing things out before a break through. At least I am hoping that is what it is.

Either way. It sucks. ANYONE that rides, I know can relate.

Hacking out is improving...unless is a colder day

Regardless of how hard I am on myself...I can honestly say that I am supremely excited for the leaps and bounds of progress Tillie has made even in these last few weeks when it felt like we werent. While she certainly has her issues and training needs, some newer changes have me quite excited about her future.

Stay tuned for more updates to come!