Well now I feel silly

You know my post about being a worry warrior? Yea I really wasnt kidding about that. I have been going crazy with anxiety and worry since Tillie came in Sunday clearly uncomfortable and not wanting to stand on her right hind leg. 

She was weight bearing, but cocking it a lot and was lame 2-3/5 at the walk. When I see lameness at the walk, it tends to take my worry to a whole new level. 

I apparently let it fucking destroy me

I was a bit of a mess Monday night after icing her since I didnt see much of a change in swelling...She was walking sound and standing on it better, but I was really concerned it was soft tissue. There wasnt much to do but wait as best I could for my vet appointment Tuesday night.

Let me tell you, trying to work all day and concentrate really fucking sucked. But I did get a wonderful update from Emma that Tillie saw the chiro/acupuncturist:

sleepy mare

Good news was Tillie was out in all the usual places and the ulcer point she didnt react to that badly! Her lower neck was a bit out, which is typical for her as well as the usual competition horse areas. She got acupuncture treatment and the Chiro pinpointed some points to help with her leg and swelling.

Tillie hasnt seen the chiro since earlier this summer so it was nice to hear that she still feels good despite some of the harder work we have been doing (despite recently...the last week or so not really riding as much)

I darted out of work and waited in the warmth of my truck...I really thought I was going to lose my mind at this point.

I spy with my little eye....guess this little fox really wanted some cat food

My vet pulls in and I run ahead of him while he unpacks to unwrap the leg. As I unwrap it holding my breath I realize...it kind of looks normal. I turn to my friend and ask "this looks normal doesnt it?!" I didnt have my hopes up quite yet...soft tissue can hide and swelling not be present.

Vet comes in and I give him the debriefing all over...He nods and asks if Tillie is on ace. LOL. He said she looked sleepy and was oddly calm (mind you hes mostly seen her when she was 4-5 yrs old on stall rest for months or sedates her immediately depending on what he needs to do).

He looks at the leg and says hmmm looks normal, no heat. Lets take her for a jog.

Well the idea Tillie was sleepy or on ace quickly subsided when Tillie saw the fox that was playing near the barn and morphed into full on stallion mode complete with arched neck, prancing, blowing etc.

SOOOOOO HAPPY! 

Luckily she kept her shit together and we walked and trotted back and forth a few times and my vet kept asking...you said she was how lame?...

To my delight Tillie was completely and utterly sound. My vet reassured me she was fine and whatever she did is behind us and did make me feel a bit better about my neurosis with that leg  saying he thought we would never beat her ailments there.

He said her weight looks awesome and she looks to be in good shape and just asked about any other concerns I havent already pestered him about. So he left me with more depo and off he went.

Feeling extremely silly for my worrying and anxieties was dulled only by the sheer joy of hearing she is fine. SIDE NOTE: This has NEVER been the case for anything...her ailments big or small always end up more complicated then usual. So my relief was so much that tears of joy welled up in my eye but the subzero weather we suddenly have quickly made me hold it back for fear of being more ridiculous and freezing on my face.

We are still in it 2016! Now lets hope Tillie keeps her shit together.

Lesson recap - to happier times

Ill be back tracking the next few posts and posting an update after the vet this afternoon...so bear with me since my timeline will be a bit off.

Sad Tillie getting iced yesterday evening

Anyway, the day before Tillie turned up lame, we went to our usual Saturday jump lesson with P. We self loaded on AND off no issues (sans whip) and no crooked issues either! I was a bit nervous for this lesson simply because P suggested we try going back in our snaffle. Not nervous in a bad way, just a bit nervous that she wouldnt be as quiet I guess...

She was a bit heavier at times, BUT she was a star...even with the mucky wet ring. Which is why I am freaking out if she now has a soft tissue injury from going in this ring. But I have watched and rewatched and never once see her put a foot wrong (Which i know doesnt mean it didnt happen...)

big fancy trot!

She only had ONE sass moment when she lost her balance in the mud, but it made me crack up and yell -"There it is!!" But she warmed up lovely and P had me work on riding the outside aids a bit more so I wouldnt lose her shoulder. In the muck, she kept throwing her shoulders around every which way so P had me think riding her straighter and that seemed to solve that.

Tillies game face - Get some!!!

I felt like this lesson she was really starting to jump better/more correctly with her form. There were some jumps that felt like a "wooosh!" and P even said "Weeee" after one of them!! :) I fret over her form a lot so its nice to see week over week she is starting to stretch and use those shoulders better.

She even started getting lead changes without losing her mind!

See!!! we can stretch over fences! 

Ill admit I was a bit disappointed with watching the videos with my release and seeing I still had her a bit tucked in at times...but Emma so kindly pointed out that she was taking much longer distances which naturally will make a rider more defensive. So **pending Tillie's soundness** will be what I try to focus on next.

See...holding her too tightly not allowing to stretch - but holy moly did she over jump this one!

 I have really let how nice this lesson went fall victim to blaming it for Tillies injury which isnt fair...who knows what it is, how bad it is or even when she did it (could have been here, the trailer ride home, that night in the field or that afternoon) I only fret it was from here because I noticed her cocking her right hind when we finished when we were standing around and at the trailer...but that next morning when I gave her depo didnt see any swelling at all. I would think by then I would have...

See - standing with that leg cocked.

Anyway, its horses...and I wont know until I see the vet today. Until then, here is the mash up from the lesson:

Sidelined and losing my mind

I do have a recap from the week...and its been quite the week, so Ill leave my lesson post for a post tomorrow in the hopes it will cheer me up. But for today, I am quite down and out.

I feel like a country song...My horse injured, dog sick, my house is in shambles with even more issues now then my previous post. Yea well apparently there is a sinkhole under our deck with needs to be removed to dig up our yard to find the problem. $$$$$$

I decided to ask for a dressage lesson with C thursday since those usually make it all better only to come out and find Tillie's hock still puffy and I  swear she looked short. I was texting C in tears prepared to cancel and solemnly wait for the vet when she told met to come out anyway and ride her retired 3rd level horse.

That was fine, except this time it didnt seem to make me feel better...just frustrated that I suck royally as a rider and apparently can't  keep a horse connected or do shoulder in or half pass.

Anyway...I come back to doctor up Tillie to find the swelling was gone and she was sound! Yay!! So snuck in a quick, and lovely ride. Fast forward to saturday and I was put at ease and everyone laughing at my neurosis that they could never see swelling to begin with that last few days and shes fine. So I went to our jump lesson not concerned feeling silly for over reacting and really enjoyed our ride.

Sneak preview from Saturday

Sunday morning got to the barn, gave Tillie her depo shot and ulcer meds and went off to teach my busy scheduled day per usual.

By late afternoon a barn friend approaches me and says "ok dont freak out, its not that bad..."

Pause here for a mere moment - anytime someone starts off a sentence that way, instantly your brain starts reeling and freaking out. While I know I have my own neurotic tendencies with Tillie injuries and lameness so appreciate the attempt at calming me down, it really just does the opposite.

Hey Mom! Fancy seeing you...

I was told she had a big angle...going to look at her, I was mortified to see it was not just the ankle but from the hock down. Heat in the entire leg and definitely short in the walk 3/5 lameness. No definition in the outside of the limb.

I go into full robot mode of been there done this and check her temp in case its early onset of cellulitis - normal. I begin to cold hose and call my vet.

He starts also assuming cellulitis asking about new scratches, no, any fungus, no...etc. No real clear areas of acute injury heat, just the entire god damn leg. He didnt seem TOO concerned to come see her while my mind is reeling from, is this soft tissue, did she bang it, is it cellulitis...

I know its bad. I need to turn my mind off, but my past issues and lameness with Tillie has scarred me for life. I feel like we ALWAYS have SOMETHING and now have a reputation for accident prone, crazy mare. Awesome.

Well this sucks

I was feeling a bit better after leaving the barn since she was standing on that foot and resting the other foot. I was hoping a minor scuffle with a new horse just meant she bumped it and itd be down by the next day.

But then start getting texts that no she wasnt kicked by a new horse/it wasnt that exciting when they met and  oh maybe she was lame before. From getting questioned of did you notice swelling last time jumping her to Id xray it to be sure...Thanks everyone, but Id prefer to be left alone so comments stop fueling my brain's crazy tailspin.

While I know I may sound melodramatic, but I work really fucking hard to own a horse and one that has had a plethora of ailments that I have caused serious blood, sweat, tears and setbacks. I know all horse people at one point or another experience lameness and ailments, I am no different...I just really am sick and tired of it.

Anyway, I was not appeased after this morning when she was checked by a friend of mine. Even on bute there is some filling on the inside of the canon bone now too. She is more sound at the walk, but definitely not at the trot. Still no clear definition of a source of injury...which now has me freaking if its soft tissue from jumping around in our lesson in wet footing.

Can I help?

Walking and trotting this morning to assess...

This morning.

I would have really loved my vet to see her today, but he cant make it to tomorrow...which one more day wont kill her but the worry and agonizing over it might kill me. I had a terrible dream last night which it was a career ending soft tissue injury and I had to put her down - because Tillie as a pasture puff just would be miserable for her.

I woke up mad at my brain for going there and trying to swallow down a sob because I knew once I started I wouldnt stop.

Sure, swelling is all that bad, but that makes me more concerned its soft tissue.

Side note: most of my over reaction and freaking stems from the insecurities I have with the cost. New policies in place will make it impossible for me to stall rest and rehab for an extended period of time so I would likely have to move her and lose my spot. Yes I want Tillie to be ok, but its more unsettling worrying that more will get piled on depending on the outcome.

Welp - here so to hoping all my fretting right now will be laughed at later and this is nothing.

Trailer shopping...???

I have started toying with the idea of trailer shopping...yes it seems silly since I JUST got my current one not that long ago back after fully rewiring it and getting it tagged and titled. But I have now used it a few times and its become quite apparent Tillie struggles balancing around turns.

Current trailer...not totally level here sinec I hadnt gotten a drop hitch yet. 

The last time I used it, she ripped her top layer of her BOT blanket because of how much scrambling shes doing...you can see her through the window, head flying shoulders banging side to side and can feel her scrambling.

Interestingly enough, she doesnt do it AT ALL in my friends trailer...Its really wide and roomy so I think Tillie can spread out more to balance.

She does do it a bit in Emma's particularly after being stopped at a light for a while, but not as bad as she does in mine. 

So...after talking it over with Emma and how happy she was with where she got hers, I got to thinking- well crap, I can afford that! 

So I guess I am not sure if my reasoning for a new one is truly valid...AND I need opinions of which route to go. 

Options:

1. 2-Horse straight (extra wide) -Price $$$
2. 2-horse straight- Price $$
3. 2-Horse slant - Price $ 
4. 2-Horse slant - Price $$

#1 is the most expensive and I would likely wait to put more money down on it...Its a trailer I am used to seeing so I like it, but after viewing others just not sure that additional money for it is reallllly needed for my purposes. It does fully enclose which is nice, but rarely do we ever do that unless its really raining or really cold. 

#2 and #4 are comparable  price wise...I just am not sure if #2 is really wide enough to solve the issue of scrambling. BUT I think it may be ok, just dont want to purchase it only to have the same issue. Both can fully enclose, one is just straight load vs slant. 

#3 is the least expensive and my only dislike is that it isnt fully able to be closed up from the elements if needed. 

So really my conversation point is more or less slant load or straight load? I really want to go see them all in person...but for now just still window shopping until I have more questions answered and waiting to make sure winter lessons dont drop off TOO much. 

I have read slant loads are good for horses like Tillie that scramble...but I know can be a bit of a pain when showing with more then one horse. I have always had straight loads so a bit hesitant to make the jump. 

Stretching sunday

I have started enlisting my helpers Sundays to ride Tillie for me at the walk and some trot so she can have an easy stretching Sunday. Tillie seems to enjoy it and I like that it gets her moving without working. Plus the students LOVE it and always ask to ride her :)

Tillie ready and waiting! 

We had a ton of rain Saturday night and found our ring in less then stellar shape with a lot of our lovely footing clumping together/washing and building up to areas of the ring.

Basically it was like soup....but by the end of the day it wasn't AS bad. But definitely something  I reported and it will need to be re-dragged and evened out with maybe more thoughts to solving this drainage issue. 

It ended up being another warm day with some odd weather...half sunny half ominous clouds with intermittent torrential downpours followed by warm sunny skies. I was in a t-shirt half the day and my winter coat the other half! 

Half sunny half stormy

 It produced the most vibrant rainbow I have ever seen....and the picture just doesnt do it justice.

My student on Tillie - doesnt she look thrilled

I was excited to find Tillie licked her breakfast clean! I am hoping the ulcer treatment is starting to work. After talking with P saturday, she suggested doing more prevention so I didnt have to treat and deal with the hassle of that every so often.

I also realized Tillie has some rain rot kind of buried under her coat (which is crazy cuz her coat isnt THAT thick) when I was brushing her saturday. I now think this is what is causing her back soreness and have started treating it...hopefully it heals soon despite all this wet weather!

I used Tillie in a ground lesson to teach this group of students interested in owning a horse how to approach a horse, give treats, do carrot stretches, groom, blanket and pick feet. She was such a STAR and loved the little kids. You could see her watching them (they were shorter then her belly!) and was so careful and polite. It made me just want to kiss her. 

Unfortunately, when helping the student practice blanketing I noticed  that her right hock looked slightly larger...instantly my hysteria sets in since that is her cellulitis leg.

I had a bit of a hard time determining where is looked big at first...I just knew it did. I literally ran my hands all over it (didn't feel any heat) and ruled out areas by comparing the two. The outside looked normal, the cap looked normal...the filling seemed to be on the inside just above the joint. 

left (normal) hock

Right hock

Part of me started questioning if it was lighting...but I swear there is/was some minor filling...The two pics above are hard to compare because its different angles/closeness. But I felt like I couldnt see as much definition on the inside of the right hock as I could the left. 

I took her out and trotted her both ways and she looked sound...but having experience the cellulitis and the entire year it took to get back to normal made me start looking for new scratches and check some smaller ones I found the day before...and even check for mud fever. 

I of course text a barn friend who talked me off the ledge and said if she was sound on it not to worry...so here's me trying not to worry!

Is it possible this is our new normal?

There are something about my Saturday jump lessons with P that really seem to make me "centered." Anyone following me at this point can tell I am a ball of just heightened nervousness of OMG my horse is injured or OMG my horse is nuts or OMG my horse cant do this....and it goes on. So basically just a lot of self doubt and doubt in Tillie.

Which isnt really fair to either of us.

Hows THIS trot for ability?! side note: excuse my where's waldo shirt :) Its warm! 

I noticed after only having 1 P lesson in the last month, I was starting to be like the pysh patient losing their minds from lack of seeing their therapist. Not to mention, work has been quite crazy so keeping to riding 4 -days a week has been tough. I did manage to ride 3 days this week so that close right!?

Luckily Tillie hasnt seemed to miss a beat minus the one really crummy ride I blogged about last week. Which is quite surprising since she typically requires full work to stay sane.

I LOVE Tillie's expression here - shes like " I got this"

Saturday morning comes around and Im like a big kid on Christmas - Soooo anxious to get loaded up to go except our lesson wasnt until late afternoon/early evening. **waiting sucks**

Loading Tillie, I was trying to put to practice the self loading session we did with Emma...Tillie has seemed to develop a nasty habit of going crooked now and swinging her butt away from me anticipating the whip. I even reintroduced it to her and rubbed it on her showing her it was fine, but she REALLY gets squirmy with it. As soon as I put it away she goes right on just fine. 

So homework for me - practice this loading thing a bit more. 

Oh hey uphill canter! I think Tillie looks like a fancy upper level horse here! 

We get there and hack out to find puppies/dogs everywhere! Tillie was realllly not sure about them, but I was able to keep her focused and as I started warming up felt this incredible just peace. 

You know when things just go silent and its this quiet, steady feeling of just being in the moment on the same page? I havent felt that ever on a horse. But our warm up I felt this...I said bend left or right she said ok and had these incredible uphill gaits. I felt at first like she wasnt moving forward enough, but watching back I think it just felt that way because she was balanced and where she needed to be where I am usually used to feeling her pulling herself around by her front end. 

It was a bit warmer out so I attribute her quietness to that partially...but it still weirds me out when things feel this nice. Emma always reminds me as of late that this IS our new normal. I just havent gotten used to it yet! Tillie did throw in a teeeeenie sass fit after one fence when I half halted going into the turn and she got a bit offended like I KNOOOWWW I was doing it already mom!!

This lesson we had a much larger group then normal so we didnt get to do as much...but with Tillie and I havent jumped in a while, it was probably for the best. What worked well for it, was it kept things REALLY chill and low key - and Tillie ate all her breakfast Sunday AM!

Anyway, P had us warm up over some ground poles and then some small fences set as a one stride line. I needed to be reminded to release a bit more rather then plant...that is one hard habit to break!...so we can start encouraging Tillie to stretch and jump better with her shoulders.

Then we got to business and P had us run through this twsity turning course that was really fun! The first time we ran through was ok...Tillie was a bit flat but was listening and stayed in a nice rhythm. 

The second run through didnt feel that great to me, but P didnt ask us to re-do anything which normally she will if she feels its necessary. Not sure what it was about it (not just the rail cuz I know rails happen), but I just didnt like it...

P was ready to call it a day and, as always, asked if anyone wanted to run through it one more time. Usually I say no so I dont push too hard...especially when Tillie is being so quiet. BUT shes been quiet jumping lately and its time to start expecting more...but I asked if we could. 

I am really glad we did because it felt pretty good and P had raised the monsters inc jump to 3ft for another rider and left it for when we ran through. I honestly didnt realize/or think to question that height since height **usually** doesnt bother me, but I did hear the fellow barn mates asking, are they jumping THAT?

Yes, yes we did! 

Tillie sailed over it no problem! I loved Emma's WOOO upon landing and you could feel Tillie hear that, and just get this vibe through her body like lets do this. The angle the video was shot makes it look smaller...but P said it was 3ft... 

All in all, I wasnt super thrilled with the lesson at first. Mostly because I still am dwelling on the fact my horse doesnt jump "well" yet. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that our goal has been getting quiet first since that was a challenge - and I think we are there! The fact Tillie could open and compress her canter and adjust without sass is HUGE. 

So I am thrilled and just hope to keep the momentum going! P even suggested trying her back in the snaffle jumping! WOOO!!! 

At least my horse knows when to behave

My last two posts documenting the worst day ever has certainly marked quite the welcome wagon to 2016. I really hope this doesnt set the tone for the rest of the year.

I decided to hope and pray that I could go to the barn yesterday and get some relief from the mess and have a nice relaxing ride.

The night after the shitstorm...Gunner and I taking shelter in my study with reinforcements. 

I got on and forced myself to not touch my reins at all in all three gaits. I let Tillie walk, trot and canter both directions for two laps - yes even the canter! Amazing how well shell canter on a loose rein, but as soon as I ask for more, she braces and speeds up.

Note to self: try this warm up more often. Not only did Tillie seem to enjoy it, I enjoyed it. There is just something soothing about getting up into a half seat or two point and jogging around.

I slowly put her to work and she was quite light in the bridle. Maybe a hair lighter then I would like so I started off asking for longer contact and stretch. She was slightly rude about it...she would carry herself high and then quickly dive down. I wouldnt call it rooting since she wasnt leaning, but was just lacking patience of the pace I was allowing her to take the contact since I wanted to be sure she was taking it without losing it.

So not appreciating my need to destress involving her 

I trotted her over this little grid to an easy/generous bending line a few times. First jump was a tiny X she could likely trot like a caveletti with 4-5 canter poles to a tiny 18" vertical with a two stride bend to a 2 ft vertical.

She was a bit sucked back, BUT I didnt use a ton of leg to push...I merely wanted to stay out of her way to see what she would do. Shockingly she meandered through and landed not really sure what the big deal was about. She was a bit fish-taily to the bending line so I went through a few more times and mixed in more flatting between to keep her relaxed.

All while riding amoung a group of small children where steering is questionable...and she did great!

I was about to move on to canter work when she started acting spooky towards the fields...with it being dinner time I didnt think too much of it and just used it as an opportunity to school her. She did quite well despite being a bit unfocused. Come to find out a horse had gotten loose and was enjoying quite the jaunt around the property. It caused all the other horses to get riled up which is what Tillie was reacting to. Dont you love when a horse gets loose and its like JAILBREAK!

After things calmed down I did A LOT of canter work, really focusing on her responsiveness to the cue. I wasnt so worried about her inverting since that cant be fixed until she clearly understands the canter aid first.

She was pretty darn quiet and was more willing to break to the trot BUT I started asking for a more balanced trot rather then the running, bracing on the forehand trot. She definitely got it by the end BUT started anticipating the canter aid and would be soft a few steps then would "OH GOD LETS CANTER" with any little movement of my balance and scoot her butt under herself and offer to canter. 

So we worked on getting the trot back again to which the contact was much nicer even if she was trying to lean...I just did the whole "well i wont carry you" and relaxed my contact until she figured out where she needed to be on her own. 

I ended the ride with cantering through the grid a few more times and let her cool out on a nice long rein. 

eating dinner....or what she felt like eating anyway...

She was cooled out and dinner was dumped, but she only ate a few bites before moving on to her hay. :( Looks like her tummy is still bothering her. I really am hoping its ulcers at this point and was a bit worried while brushing her and blanketing her and trying to coax her to eat more. 

Her weight still looks ok and she did pick at it a little more while I was hanging around chatting and cleaning up...

Luckily I got home to find a present! 

She will begin her treatment tonight! 

Shit Storms Literally DO Happen

This will be an unrelated horse post...but I feel the need to share this story in the hopes that my horrid experience can maybe provide some humor.

I get home from riding after my not so great ride on Tillie (See my blog about it here). and was unwinding with my husband. Its not too often we get to with being on different work schedules. I had a few glasses of wine and then we were getting ready for bed and hopped in the shower.

A few minutes into the shower, I start catching whiffs of something not right...being in a bathroom I thought maybe my husband just didnt flush. He swore up and down he didnt use the bathroom (but for him that wouldnt surprise me if he did and was just trying to convince me he didnt). So I peak out from the shower curtain to check to see....

....a fountain of liquid pouring from the ceiling vent and pouring down the walls. To my horror, I realize this wasnt just any liquid...but the human kind. Thats right folks, it was PEE.

Not sure what came over me but JUMP out of the shower and sprint (sopping wet and in my birthday suit) out of the bathroom to do an emergency shut off of the water ONLY to discover the carpet is also SOAKED and most likely in the same liquid pouring from the ceiling.

Did I mention I was horrified already...well this just set me over the edge.

My husband is a bit slower then me to process what is happening and chooses this moment to follow me out of the bathroom and the only thing he can muster is: WTF?

Yea, my thoughts exactly. So we plan to divide and conquer. He was to call insurance and an emergency plumber while I was to try to salvage and save anything we had in storage nearby or our furniture in case it spread. 

At this point I did manage to throw something on blindy that later my husband laughed because it was fluffy tweety bird shorts and a fall out boy shirt. Sexy right?!

As I run out of the bed room in a mad rush, I go to use our other, upstairs bathroom to grab a few more towels and guess what - it gets worse. I open the door to find shit, yes I said shit as in human shit EVERYWHERE. 

LITERALLY.

At this point I just start laughing/screaming...I really couldnt decipher my hysterics at this point. To make matters worse, it was at this point I realized we couldnt run water to clean any of this up...so in essence we were shit out of luck. Please excuse the Puns. 

My beautiful house was literally defiled. I wont go into much more detail for fear of making you all sick, but my night ended with long rubber gloves, trash bags tied around my legs, a gas mask (dont ask why we have one on hand), and all the ammonia and bleach I could find. 

So if you think YOU have had a bad week...please feel free to stop by my house which is currently undergoing a hazmat worthy cleaning courtesy of our insurance company for the next week before we can even begin discussing, let alone doing, a remodel. 

I am pretty sure I have taken more showers and used more hand sanitizer in the last few days then my entire lifetime up to this point. 

Here are some photos of the initial clean up we did the first night/day...but the "hazmat" team as I call them that has come in has since ripped out ALL the carpet, covered all items and furniture in plastic bags to be cleaned and ripped out all the baseboard and dry wall affected. We have at least 7 different machines running to dry, dehumidify and sanitize things for the next 4 days. 

When you get sucked into your horse's antics

I was quite excited yesterday to be able to make it out for a ride at a decent ride after work. Despite the cold weather, which literally happened overnight, I was ready to get into our training regime and work on some homework. Not to mention, I was eager to try the new footing for myself!

I dont have any new photos to share unfortunately, so Ill just share some old ones for fun! 

Tillie was fairly nice about getting tacked up...she hasnt been lately with her soreness and ulcer issues, but shockingly she wasnt really back sore at all! Still girthy but her ulcer meds should be here hopefully soon. We did some carrot stretches (with left over candy canes!) and got a few pops out from her neck. Today it was only stretching to the right we got them...most days its both sides.

Anyway, we marched down to the ring with purpose to join fellow blogger Emma and another barnmate on her greenie. Knowing Tillie hates the cold, I planned to let her walk and trot around for a bit on a looser rein until she settled in. I made a mental note to bring my quarter sheet and BOT back pad as well (I dont spoil her or anything).

This was my first ride on our new footing and couldnt wait to see if I felt a difference.

New footing!!! 

It was a bit crunchy and starting to want to freeze, but I was really impressed that it still felt nice and bouncy and forgiving...the sand would have been as a hard as a rock. There is some deeper areas that provided some challenges later in our ride, but Ill touch on that later.

Starting out in the walk, Tillie really wanted to be quick...I tried not to fuss at all too much and decided to let it happen with it being so cold and just use circles and changing direction to monitor that. Pushing into trot she felt a bit tense through her body and was hesitant to turn off my outside aids, but she eventually gave in and started maintaining a nice rhythm.

After working on both sides I started putting her together in walk and established inside bend off my inside leg aids and thought about "catching" her with the outside. I took the opportunity to try to work on my own evenness as well. She worked well at the walk and while she wasnt totally relaxed as I would like, decided it didnt want to dwell too much.

Is this relaxed enough for you?

Pushing into trot we worked through the normal conversations and did some random figures and changing rein so she couldnt anticipate and started working into the forward and slower trot homework from our last dressage lesson. This all went quite swimmingly and she began to relax and offer to stretch when I allowed.

I decided it was time to ask for canter. Knowing it was the first canter of the ride tried to keep my expectations light and my own riding out of her way to let her warm up here. I got in pseudo half seat so my bottom lightly touched the saddle, put my hands forward and let her right lead canter just happen. I kept her on the 20 M circle for this. She offered a trot transition and I allowed so we changed the rein to do left lead and it started off just as nicely.....

I swear there is a nice canter in there some days.

...Until she went into the deeper footing in the corner. Her response was to brace and race. I did my best not to grab and put her on a smaller circle and let that do the work of suppling for me but Tillie has caught on to this trick and decided steering wasnt for her.

After a good 2-3 circles of establishing that NO TILLIE you MUST steer when there are this many horses in the ring, we came to trot and I prepared to try again. Well coming down to trot she reverted back to her greener days of holding her head and neck in the "im pretty and doing this whole on the bit thing" that is fake and there is NO contact there at all...but it looks like Im pulling on her because im trying to find some resemblance of weight in my reins.

Once I had at least something to work with, I tried for canter again to work on getting one that was more level headed. Once again it all was fine...until she caught site of the straight away and decided why not brace and head that way and build into a hand gallop...that sounds fun. NOT.

I had to use a one rein stop and kick the snot out of her with my outside aids since that is what she chose to ignore and after some protesting she came down to a walk. Took a minute here to reestablish contact and had to go back into trot work for a while since she wanted to do this choppy jiggy trot behind the contact and be cheeky with me like "Ohhh see I can go slow"

She produced some lovely trot work here after a few laps and was quite supple either direction, even left bend!

I knew I had to canter again though and get a quiet, SOFT canter before I called it quits so I started randomly asking for trot, canter trot and canter on a circle for a bit and back to trot.

She shockingly didnt get too expectant to canter but I just felt like we were out of sync. We werent clicking and I felt like transitions were full on in the 2 score range complete with giraffe mode and inverting.

can we go back to this night when we could canter outside of a circle without losing our brain?!

A few times in the ride, my trainer D's voice came into my head probably because Tillie has acted this way more in his lessons then with anyone else...but all I could hear was "nothings changed in a while, you need to do something to get a bigger response here..."

When walking her out to cool down she was still quite speedy...but at that point I didnt want to mess at all anymore or have any more arguments. I realized I got sucked into her antics already this ride and I felt really disappointed with myself. I have been really good lately about not getting so rattled, but this is the first ride in a long time it got to me.

I dont want to lose this magic!

I guess these rides are bound to happen...but I instantly feel helpless and like I shouldnt be riding unless in a lesson setting. I crave a dressage lesson so bad it puts me off wanting to ride again until I get one which is ridiculous. It doesnt help my last ride in the smaller ring wasnt particularly splendid either...even though that one I didnt get rattled as much it sorta caught up to me here.

Logically I can talk myself off the ledge, but emotionally I succumb to all the negativity. I realized by the time I got home, I have only been in 1 actual P lesson in a month between holidays and Tillie's shoe...and realized SHE has been the reason Ive had confidence and the cool calm go with the flow mentality lately.

I was contemplating missing this weekend to attend a local show, but I think after this ride it is apparent I need to make a visit with DR. P as I am calling her now.