Sidelined and losing my mind

I do have a recap from the week...and its been quite the week, so Ill leave my lesson post for a post tomorrow in the hopes it will cheer me up. But for today, I am quite down and out.

I feel like a country song...My horse injured, dog sick, my house is in shambles with even more issues now then my previous post. Yea well apparently there is a sinkhole under our deck with needs to be removed to dig up our yard to find the problem. $$$$$$

I decided to ask for a dressage lesson with C thursday since those usually make it all better only to come out and find Tillie's hock still puffy and I  swear she looked short. I was texting C in tears prepared to cancel and solemnly wait for the vet when she told met to come out anyway and ride her retired 3rd level horse.

That was fine, except this time it didnt seem to make me feel better...just frustrated that I suck royally as a rider and apparently can't  keep a horse connected or do shoulder in or half pass.

Anyway...I come back to doctor up Tillie to find the swelling was gone and she was sound! Yay!! So snuck in a quick, and lovely ride. Fast forward to saturday and I was put at ease and everyone laughing at my neurosis that they could never see swelling to begin with that last few days and shes fine. So I went to our jump lesson not concerned feeling silly for over reacting and really enjoyed our ride.

Sneak preview from Saturday

Sunday morning got to the barn, gave Tillie her depo shot and ulcer meds and went off to teach my busy scheduled day per usual.

By late afternoon a barn friend approaches me and says "ok dont freak out, its not that bad..."

Pause here for a mere moment - anytime someone starts off a sentence that way, instantly your brain starts reeling and freaking out. While I know I have my own neurotic tendencies with Tillie injuries and lameness so appreciate the attempt at calming me down, it really just does the opposite.

Hey Mom! Fancy seeing you...

I was told she had a big angle...going to look at her, I was mortified to see it was not just the ankle but from the hock down. Heat in the entire leg and definitely short in the walk 3/5 lameness. No definition in the outside of the limb.

I go into full robot mode of been there done this and check her temp in case its early onset of cellulitis - normal. I begin to cold hose and call my vet.

He starts also assuming cellulitis asking about new scratches, no, any fungus, no...etc. No real clear areas of acute injury heat, just the entire god damn leg. He didnt seem TOO concerned to come see her while my mind is reeling from, is this soft tissue, did she bang it, is it cellulitis...

I know its bad. I need to turn my mind off, but my past issues and lameness with Tillie has scarred me for life. I feel like we ALWAYS have SOMETHING and now have a reputation for accident prone, crazy mare. Awesome.

Well this sucks

I was feeling a bit better after leaving the barn since she was standing on that foot and resting the other foot. I was hoping a minor scuffle with a new horse just meant she bumped it and itd be down by the next day.

But then start getting texts that no she wasnt kicked by a new horse/it wasnt that exciting when they met and  oh maybe she was lame before. From getting questioned of did you notice swelling last time jumping her to Id xray it to be sure...Thanks everyone, but Id prefer to be left alone so comments stop fueling my brain's crazy tailspin.

While I know I may sound melodramatic, but I work really fucking hard to own a horse and one that has had a plethora of ailments that I have caused serious blood, sweat, tears and setbacks. I know all horse people at one point or another experience lameness and ailments, I am no different...I just really am sick and tired of it.

Anyway, I was not appeased after this morning when she was checked by a friend of mine. Even on bute there is some filling on the inside of the canon bone now too. She is more sound at the walk, but definitely not at the trot. Still no clear definition of a source of injury...which now has me freaking if its soft tissue from jumping around in our lesson in wet footing.

Can I help?

Walking and trotting this morning to assess...

This morning.

I would have really loved my vet to see her today, but he cant make it to tomorrow...which one more day wont kill her but the worry and agonizing over it might kill me. I had a terrible dream last night which it was a career ending soft tissue injury and I had to put her down - because Tillie as a pasture puff just would be miserable for her.

I woke up mad at my brain for going there and trying to swallow down a sob because I knew once I started I wouldnt stop.

Sure, swelling is all that bad, but that makes me more concerned its soft tissue.

Side note: most of my over reaction and freaking stems from the insecurities I have with the cost. New policies in place will make it impossible for me to stall rest and rehab for an extended period of time so I would likely have to move her and lose my spot. Yes I want Tillie to be ok, but its more unsettling worrying that more will get piled on depending on the outcome.

Welp - here so to hoping all my fretting right now will be laughed at later and this is nothing.