Tillie prep for the season

I have been focusing a lot more on Tillie - partly because she needs it and Kiss is way easier to maintain - but also because we have lots of holes that need fixing with her being off last year.

I took her to Windurra and attempted to try a waterford bit on her and well, lets just say, she HATED it.

You can see how she is practically running through it - sure her head is up, but she was pissed.

More in the waterford...you can tell she's just rushing and unsettled. So we only did one more set of jumps before Dom had us change back to our original bit because our steering was a bit altered from how distracted tillie was:

She settled down a little but still was holding a bit of a grudge...however Dom upped the difficulty to get her thinking which helped throw her a curve ball and get her mind off being mad.

She was being a super finicky ride at this point but the good moments were starting to come through. She surprised me with how straight and confident she was to to the skinny...which tend to be her nemesis when we havent seen them in a while:

Then we moved on to the water which really showed my lack of trusting to start this season...and learning to need to stop wanting to always do the add:

ANNNNNDDD the blooper of the ride...our first attempt at this corner combo. Which was hilarious...and took me off guard because Tillie's approach was good until the last stride when she decided the grass was horse eating and she wanted nothing to do with it. 

Dom wanted us to keep going to the jump into water and im pretty sure my pants matched the first time through (Remember my fear of downhill?!)

But we scraped through it and of course had to do it again:

So I felt good going into fair hill last weekend. But more to come on that soon.

When you get sucked into your horse's antics

I was quite excited yesterday to be able to make it out for a ride at a decent ride after work. Despite the cold weather, which literally happened overnight, I was ready to get into our training regime and work on some homework. Not to mention, I was eager to try the new footing for myself!

I dont have any new photos to share unfortunately, so Ill just share some old ones for fun! 

Tillie was fairly nice about getting tacked up...she hasnt been lately with her soreness and ulcer issues, but shockingly she wasnt really back sore at all! Still girthy but her ulcer meds should be here hopefully soon. We did some carrot stretches (with left over candy canes!) and got a few pops out from her neck. Today it was only stretching to the right we got them...most days its both sides.

Anyway, we marched down to the ring with purpose to join fellow blogger Emma and another barnmate on her greenie. Knowing Tillie hates the cold, I planned to let her walk and trot around for a bit on a looser rein until she settled in. I made a mental note to bring my quarter sheet and BOT back pad as well (I dont spoil her or anything).

This was my first ride on our new footing and couldnt wait to see if I felt a difference.

New footing!!! 

It was a bit crunchy and starting to want to freeze, but I was really impressed that it still felt nice and bouncy and forgiving...the sand would have been as a hard as a rock. There is some deeper areas that provided some challenges later in our ride, but Ill touch on that later.

Starting out in the walk, Tillie really wanted to be quick...I tried not to fuss at all too much and decided to let it happen with it being so cold and just use circles and changing direction to monitor that. Pushing into trot she felt a bit tense through her body and was hesitant to turn off my outside aids, but she eventually gave in and started maintaining a nice rhythm.

After working on both sides I started putting her together in walk and established inside bend off my inside leg aids and thought about "catching" her with the outside. I took the opportunity to try to work on my own evenness as well. She worked well at the walk and while she wasnt totally relaxed as I would like, decided it didnt want to dwell too much.

Is this relaxed enough for you?

Pushing into trot we worked through the normal conversations and did some random figures and changing rein so she couldnt anticipate and started working into the forward and slower trot homework from our last dressage lesson. This all went quite swimmingly and she began to relax and offer to stretch when I allowed.

I decided it was time to ask for canter. Knowing it was the first canter of the ride tried to keep my expectations light and my own riding out of her way to let her warm up here. I got in pseudo half seat so my bottom lightly touched the saddle, put my hands forward and let her right lead canter just happen. I kept her on the 20 M circle for this. She offered a trot transition and I allowed so we changed the rein to do left lead and it started off just as nicely.....

I swear there is a nice canter in there some days.

...Until she went into the deeper footing in the corner. Her response was to brace and race. I did my best not to grab and put her on a smaller circle and let that do the work of suppling for me but Tillie has caught on to this trick and decided steering wasnt for her.

After a good 2-3 circles of establishing that NO TILLIE you MUST steer when there are this many horses in the ring, we came to trot and I prepared to try again. Well coming down to trot she reverted back to her greener days of holding her head and neck in the "im pretty and doing this whole on the bit thing" that is fake and there is NO contact there at all...but it looks like Im pulling on her because im trying to find some resemblance of weight in my reins.

Once I had at least something to work with, I tried for canter again to work on getting one that was more level headed. Once again it all was fine...until she caught site of the straight away and decided why not brace and head that way and build into a hand gallop...that sounds fun. NOT.

I had to use a one rein stop and kick the snot out of her with my outside aids since that is what she chose to ignore and after some protesting she came down to a walk. Took a minute here to reestablish contact and had to go back into trot work for a while since she wanted to do this choppy jiggy trot behind the contact and be cheeky with me like "Ohhh see I can go slow"

She produced some lovely trot work here after a few laps and was quite supple either direction, even left bend!

I knew I had to canter again though and get a quiet, SOFT canter before I called it quits so I started randomly asking for trot, canter trot and canter on a circle for a bit and back to trot.

She shockingly didnt get too expectant to canter but I just felt like we were out of sync. We werent clicking and I felt like transitions were full on in the 2 score range complete with giraffe mode and inverting.

can we go back to this night when we could canter outside of a circle without losing our brain?!

A few times in the ride, my trainer D's voice came into my head probably because Tillie has acted this way more in his lessons then with anyone else...but all I could hear was "nothings changed in a while, you need to do something to get a bigger response here..."

When walking her out to cool down she was still quite speedy...but at that point I didnt want to mess at all anymore or have any more arguments. I realized I got sucked into her antics already this ride and I felt really disappointed with myself. I have been really good lately about not getting so rattled, but this is the first ride in a long time it got to me.

I dont want to lose this magic!

I guess these rides are bound to happen...but I instantly feel helpless and like I shouldnt be riding unless in a lesson setting. I crave a dressage lesson so bad it puts me off wanting to ride again until I get one which is ridiculous. It doesnt help my last ride in the smaller ring wasnt particularly splendid either...even though that one I didnt get rattled as much it sorta caught up to me here.

Logically I can talk myself off the ledge, but emotionally I succumb to all the negativity. I realized by the time I got home, I have only been in 1 actual P lesson in a month between holidays and Tillie's shoe...and realized SHE has been the reason Ive had confidence and the cool calm go with the flow mentality lately.

I was contemplating missing this weekend to attend a local show, but I think after this ride it is apparent I need to make a visit with DR. P as I am calling her now.

Riding the human human blender: Grids

Friday was my last lesson of the season with my trainer D since the migration to Aiken for the local eventers has started. It was a challenging one, but really appropriate one to leave us with since the lesson left many things to be desired but also many things to appreciate.

See you next season! Hopefully 2016 will be just as
awesome for growth, but maybe a little less painful...

Our lesson was all about grids. Grids are so wonderful for so many reasons from educating the horse, to fixing rider form, to confidence issues...but it also happens to feel like a human blender. So I am really happy Emma made it out to help video because it certainly appeared better then it felt.

We spent very little time discussing flatwork this time (Hopefully that means it was just that much better?!) but D did have us work a bit at the canter to get her more through and scolded me a bit for letting my inside rein go before she really gives. So basically the idea is correct, but I need to work on feeling it better otherwise it doesnt achieve anything.

Well duh...

So we warmed up over a part of the grid to start and Tillie did not understand bounces and that adding an extra stride means its no longer a bounce. But we finally figured it out.

Then the fun part and D goes, well ok now the whole thing...

It just was a blooper shoot from the first fence and for the first time really messing up in a D lesson, rather then getting too much in my head about it, I laughed it off.

Thank god Tillie kept her head up and acted as an air bag...

Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

I was prepared the next time through though and, while it wasnt perfect, we completed the entire grid without wobbling, teetering or having airbags deploy.

So we came through again to try to smooth things out:

You can tell by now Tillie is starting to understand the exercise and starts to carry herself through more without needing me to push for forward. While I can sit here and rip my own equitation to shreds, I will not and just console myself with it will get better the more I do these grids.

So D then put the oxer  up and widened it finally adding a pole diagonally across which to me seemed to read more like a table or xc fence. I have seen him use this before at home jump schooling, so was neat to see it put to use here.

Then we changed direction and came through the entire thing the other way towards the gate "home" so I knew she would be more willing to move forward through the exercise. Can we also just pause here to take a minute to laugh at that statement...wanting more forward from my horse, who normally, is tearing the reins from my hands because she doesnt want to slow down. 

Anyway, here is the first attempt the new direction:

At one point we really missed the distance coming in and it involved some hairy moments...it wasnt caught on video sadly, but Emma commented on how I let the reins slip out, sat taller and let Tillie ride out the exercise to figure it out. Basically I rode less and did everything D is begging me to do every other time haha. Hey at least its in there!

So we came through at the trot one more time where she caught one fence pretty hard with her hind legs...but at this point she was pretty sweaty with how abnormally hot it was so didnt fault her too hard there...and because her trot right before this time through looked fancy as all get out.

To be sure she really understood, D had us try it at the canter so here is the first attempt where we had a nice forward canter but because D had me "let go" of my reins earlier, I could feel myself tense and you can see Tillie went through this much quicker then some of the other attempts:

So of course we had to do it again with the same energy just a bit more relaxed which has to be one of my more favorite "win" moments captured from this lesson. 

At this point you can see Tillie getting a bit flatter over the fences as she was getting pretty tired...she wasnt blowing or anything, but as I mentioned earlier, it was really warm out so she was hot and sweaty. She hasnt had any issues sweating with her winter coat until this lesson so I havent clipped her, but will watch that with the next few days and see if it continues when the weather gets cold in the next few days. 

But in true D fashion, it isnt over until you do it right both ways or off both canter leads so he had us go through one more time off the right lead canter. I was really trying hard to nail it the first time through for Tillie's sake, and I am so glad we did!

So all in all it was a positive learning experience...some interesting moments and some pretty glaring form issues on my part, BUT I had a controlled horse that didnt lose it even though she started off a bit heavy on me. In the past when she gets like that we would have lessons where I would want to cry every time D would want to send us back through lol. 

So big hugs to Tillie :) And she got started on her ulcer treatment today so should hopefully get her bit less grumpy about tacking up. 

The moments that make all the struggles worth it

Unfortunately for Emma still being broken, I got to join in again on another P lesson this last Saturday. Prepare to be bombarded with pictures, Gifs and videos because it was one of the best rides I have ever had in my life. It was exactly what I needed. 

It is not nearly often enough you see me smile while I am riding,
but rounding the turn to the final jump I was grinning from ear to ear like a big kid. 

Right off the bat, Tillie was a bit more settled arriving this time. I really wanted to not deal with any of her "Up-ness" so was contemplating hand walking her up to the ring rather then ride the short hack to get there. Emma softly pushed me and said no, you need to ride and use the chance to keep working this out since its similar to how she gets at shows. 

Well ok then! And while she was still a bit jiggy and looking around...she was better then the first time so thats something!

Warming up, Tillie was a super star. She was light, responsive and just all around uncomplicated. So we went right into the lesson with a simple grid. I asked P if I needed to stop her at the end like last lesson and she simply said, well lets see how she is today:

One of our first times through really focusing on releasing.

 Freakishly quiet. Thats how she was...I breathed out and thought ok. That was nice but still prepared for her to build the longer we did this.

P adjusted the second jump to be an oxer and off we went through it again.

Tillie ate it up and was cool as a cucumber so P then put up the third and final fence:

At this point I am rolling with it and sloooowly start trusting her by letting my reins go slightly longer and on landing using next to no hand to circle and downward transition. My inner kid was singing and shouting to the rooftops how awesome this was. 

P raised the jumps one more time for our final time through notice my hands?!

BTW - Thanks to Emma for all the footage and driving me to this lesson :)

So moving on from the line, she had us trot an oxer by itself to test the rhythm and eventually turn it into the second jump of a line. I instantly go oh crap, this will result in excitement for sure....

UMMM my horse was like PSHHHH I got this while I'm over here like "equitation is for the birds"

Holy moly swinging leg batman! But isnt Tillie just the cutest!?

The canter approach still shot is much better!

My favorite still over this fence (during the course) since my equitation is decent and Tillies form is just adorable.

So P had us land from this and keep cantering to try again in canter since she stayed calm and in rhythm at the trot. 

Again, Tillie just blew it out of the water and knew her job. I was starting to get slightly freaked out. 

Next up, P made this into a 4 stride line. Our first time through we came in a bit tight and got 5 instead...

P was so wonderfully supportive of it because we added. For Tillie to have made that decision is HUGE since she tends to want to get flat and take the gappy distance. But, we needed to get more even striding through the line so around we came to try again.

We got the 4! I forgot to release a little bit more this time and P reminded me that its really needed for me to do this because Tillie likes to jump very tucked in up front rather then stretching over her back probably from how much I have held her. 

I love that P reassured me that its understandable as to why with her previous antics, but that maybe those were partially created from her mentally feeling a bit claustrophobic. 

In any case, my releasing more and allowing her to stretch HAS seemed to have been doing something wonderful for Tillie because we then put a course together that was quite intricate:

 

I know I take myself and riding way too seriously, but this ride I seriously had fun. Its extremely rare to see me smile under saddle, let alone do it in the middle of actual work but I was so over the moon excited! 

Just cause this one is cool - and I am releasing! 

I had a quiet but eager, willing and adjustable horse! It felt like all the tears, lack of confidence and hard work built up to this ride. Emma kept trying to tell me this is Tillie's new normal so I wouldnt be soooo freaked out. No I did not go home and take her temperature, though I did think about it...I decided I needed to bask in this one a little bit and just LOVE it. After all, this is what its supposed to be about...the trick is to have this same feeling even when it isnt so perfect. 

Look I can have a droopy rein!!! Notice Brita (a guest blogger of Emma) in the pink!? 

Just do it (and questions about stretching)

I have found that whenever I go a certain period without riding, I actually require a lot of motivation to get back on and get back to work. I come up with every excuse in the book to prolong the inevitable. 

When I think about it, its so strange I do this because I miss it incredibly when I can't ride. So why all the angst? Finally it hit me...I am an amateur holding my riding with such high expectations and ambitions to that of a professional. This means I am constantly letting myself down. So I prolong getting back on the horse and experiencing the let down of what happens when your horse hasn't been in work so they forget the last 5 things you worked on. 

Luckily for me, I have the best barn friend, Merideth, who not only rode Tillie for me while I was away, but also to kick me in the butt and remind me of what a great horse I have and just do it. 

Eager and ready to work as always.

So I turned on my favorite Pandora station and turned off my anxieties and then I got on my horse for the first time in over a week. It was a bit eerie because no one was around with it being close to 8pm, but I breathed out a huge sigh of relief as we walked around on a loose rein for a few laps. 

I decided to approach the ride with a KISS mentality of just keeping things simple to prevent me having that "let down" feeling. I also decided to worship the fact I had a quiet and willing horse that wasn't so anxious or protesting any little cue from me like I have had in the past. There was a time not so long ago that walking around on a loose rein would not have boded well for my well being. 

So happy to see my girl after being away.

The next thought I had after starting to put her together was just how grateful I am to Merideth because I had a horse that felt like butter in all three gaits. She knew we were working and, like an old pro, quietly and willingly answered all my questions with crystal clear, definitive responses. Even if they were not exactly correct, she was doing them willingly and genuinely trying. 

I decided within 10 minutes of riding Tillie that I need to somehow convince Meri to school Tillie more for a few reasons:

1. Merideth doesnt have the same baggage I do when it comes to Tillie so she has a fresh perspective on what Tillie feels like. There is no "Normal" or what Tillie usually does, but rather this is how it needs to feel in the universal sense. 
2. Merideth doesnt coddle Tillie like I do and gets after her when she starts to evade, therefore problems get nipped right away before they become problems.
3. Having another rider other then me makes Tillie more educated and versatile so she is more accepting of the aids. 

These late night rides are exhausting

Her canter transitions were on point...relaxed into it, yet sitting and really pushing into the canter without all the extraneous "weeee we go fast now". We did a bit of schooling of the canter to trot transitions as she wanted to fall behind my leg and tense into it (it felt like she would coil and do a itty bitty canter before breaking into an unbalanced trot) rather then seek the contact and step into it.

After one time establishing this isnt how its done, she was much better keeping her spine more relaxed...relaxed for Tillie anyway. 

 I did ride with my reins incorrectly how my last trainer suggested and I must admit, it was kinda nice. I couldn't hang on Tillie even if I wanted to. Holding them that way made me use my reins when needed and leave them alone when not as well as carry my hands. 

I also pulled my stirrups for the last 20 minutes in the name of No Stirrup November and tried to use this opportunity to get Tillie to stretch more into contact and take a longer, lower frame (this is something Merideth started working on in her lesson with her and apparently Tillie was quite rude about jerking down). 

I know she can stretch!! Now how to do it under saddle?!

Trying the new:

Tillie quite happily trotted along not really doing much...so basically did NOT understand what I wanted at all without giving me any answers really at all. Hey at least we had a rhythm down right? So as my legs are screaming at me I keep trying to apply my leg and take it off so I dont nag with it on constantly. I think she thought I just wanted to stay "Here" and that was that.

So I tried getting different answers from her by asking for smaller steps without losing the energy, then, when that didnt work, bigger steps without speeding up. I tried staying on a 20m circle then spiraling larger and smaller to see if she had a preference...Nope. Nothing. 

Tillie's version of long and low has only happened while galloping at warp speed.

I could tell she was getting a bit confused so did some lateral movements shes really good at to build her confidence again and then tried again. 

Damn mare holds her neck righhhht where it meets the withers and just wont stretch at the trot. At the walk, got it. Ask for it at the trot and its like she doesnt trust her own balance. I mmmayyybe started getting a litttttle longer by the end but it was only a few steps here or there and more so tracking right then left. 

This picture is extremely dark, BUT it is one of her from the first few months I had her where she is
 stretching and showing she is capable of seeking contact. 

She just doesnt follow the contact like she should. Eventually as I slowly slip the rein, she will but at a certain point there is nothing and she eventually seems to either get bored or just isnt sure and she comes above the contact again. 

I stayed patient and changed my approach to just asking for any iota of a response, right or wrong, rather then her going around doing nothing. Eventually I did get small responses so I guess that is good right? **sigh** Something I'll need to ask about in a follow up lesson later this week. I also am toying with setting up my mullen bridle again and riding her in that for this purpose to get her seeking the contact again - the trick being not letting her lean or fall on the forehand. 

I DONT WANNA TACO BOUT IT

Anyone that rides or owns horses knows the extreme highs and lows one can and will experience. Especially if working towards a goal or for those of us that compete. This blog is dedicated to the things that are not pretty and I often times find myself thinking:

The cold hard truths on the path we have taken, where we want to go and asking the questions you bury deep down. Me for example: I fear I have a horse that is too much for me. It isnt something I say out loud often for fear it will become something that will overwhelm my thoughts and make me more insecure or worse, actually become worse and make me have to do something about it. It is really unmentionable.

I haven't given up on our partnership though and feel our work together isn't anywhere near complete. There are days I feel totally competent and have faith we will reach my ultimate goal of a 1* event. (Well now I said that out loud so guess I have to make it happen eventually!) Yet our struggles force me to question if we both are actually getting somewhere or just hindering each other's ability to grow.

Tillie clearly disagrees with me putting my foot down and saying NO to tearing around XC like a maniac

Horses have a way of making us humble, and sometimes the more extreme feeling of inadequate. This is not a sport for the faint of heart. I see professionals and other amateurs facing similar struggles and my faith is restored that I too will have a partnership that strong that it appears to be effortless.

Another thing I dont admit out loud often: I have a real phobia of riding new horses I do not know well. The CHA certification week was a nice way to dull that fear slightly (well they were all beginner safe horses so I hope so lol).

One of the few horses I got on and felt comfortable enough to jump in the first ride. 4yr old green OTTB that I owned for a brief time because of how comfortable I felt in this test ride. 

I know that this fear is my body's self preservation at it's finest, but I cant help but feel ridiculous. Tillie is not an easy horse by any means, but she certainly isnt the hardest thing I have ever seen or come across. I know I have a lot of tools in my tool belt to be able to ride most horses I have the opportunity to ride. So why the hesitation?

I certainly am not guilty of overestimating my abilities, but I am also aware of what I do and dont feel comfortable with. I SHOULD feel comfortable riding most of the horses I have had the opportunity to at this point, yet I still feel insecure.

I was way more confident on my old guy, despite being green...I was much less educated here BUT I thought I knew a lot. Ohhhh how things have changed. 

Adding in another wrench, I probably would have no problems riding the horse in question alone without an audience. So I guess that means I am worried this said horse will call out a lack of ability making it apparent to an audience what my weakness as a rider are.

I know them, so who cares if other people do? I am pretty darn open...BUT I also know I put a ton of pressure on myself and have really high standards. I started riding later then most people and competing only a few years ago...so I feel incredibly behind.

Total fail moment

I see trainers in my area that are younger or my age just killing it and make it all look so easy while I'm over here like "I dont have enough leg for that" or "I have no breaks!!"

My face here says it all - NOT ENOUGH LEG! 

Now, any of my followers know I have no issues talking about my shortcomings and confidence issues. What I keep locked away though are some of the darker fears of being over-horse, scared of new horses and scared I'll never reach my goals.

We all have fears and mine seem to have become a frequent demon this year that has made me sensitive and thin skinned which I never was before. I hear something about Tillie and immediately think its a reflection of me and my work with her. Something as simple as she played hard in the field so she isn't calm enough...she doesn't go long and low to seek contact yet so she doesn't understand contact...she jumps over her shoulder. etc. ALL things that are true and can be worked on, but still somewhere along the lines I get defensive in my head or panic I am ruining her.

Ruining me?! NOOOOOO

Anyway, there it is...my I don't wanna taco bout it. I don't know many other people will want to share theirs, but I can always do a blog hop if people seem interested.

Loch Moy - Cross Country - Fails

Welp, here they are...the wonderfully colorful photos showcasing Tillie's sassy tude and my facial expressions riding through them. 

Enjoy!

Not sure why I am standing straight up...but this is just wonderfully awkward all around

ANNNND I am holding my horse too tight because I can feel her build...But hey nice lower leg!

Im starting to nicely half halt here (check out my face)

Now Im asking not so nicely and Tillie is happily saying "But I jump all the things!" 

A moment of peace....before I really lay into her

There goes the right shoulder...

going...

going....

Still Going.....

Gone!!! Tillie showing me just how flexible she is.

She says look I can bend this way too

I say NOOOOO...straight please

She says, I dont wanna 

But ok, I go straight....But my ears will be pinned to show my dismay

Oh jump!! Ears up! 

Must have not been that exciting for her, her eyes are shut.

She lands and instantly I pull her up because I feel that ripple through her back that leads to...

Oh god...head is going down...

And lower, I must. use. core. 

Ok and some inside hand and we now circle.

Lets stomp our hind feet in the process.

Oh look I dressage after all! 

This is when I finally stop playing nice and use a teeeeeeny tiny tap with my crop...her whole body recoils in shock.

Then dismay 

And flaring angry mare stare (see the red in her eye) - Hell hath no fury like a redhead mare

Making her WALK before we start again. 

More awkward me holding her too much 

Right after this fence we could see home...

I decide to start half halting in mid air...

So some are quite funny...and we came out alive. Hopefully we can smooth this out around the edges the next time.