Just do it (and questions about stretching)

I have found that whenever I go a certain period without riding, I actually require a lot of motivation to get back on and get back to work. I come up with every excuse in the book to prolong the inevitable. 

When I think about it, its so strange I do this because I miss it incredibly when I can't ride. So why all the angst? Finally it hit me...I am an amateur holding my riding with such high expectations and ambitions to that of a professional. This means I am constantly letting myself down. So I prolong getting back on the horse and experiencing the let down of what happens when your horse hasn't been in work so they forget the last 5 things you worked on. 

Luckily for me, I have the best barn friend, Merideth, who not only rode Tillie for me while I was away, but also to kick me in the butt and remind me of what a great horse I have and just do it. 

Eager and ready to work as always.

So I turned on my favorite Pandora station and turned off my anxieties and then I got on my horse for the first time in over a week. It was a bit eerie because no one was around with it being close to 8pm, but I breathed out a huge sigh of relief as we walked around on a loose rein for a few laps. 

I decided to approach the ride with a KISS mentality of just keeping things simple to prevent me having that "let down" feeling. I also decided to worship the fact I had a quiet and willing horse that wasn't so anxious or protesting any little cue from me like I have had in the past. There was a time not so long ago that walking around on a loose rein would not have boded well for my well being. 

So happy to see my girl after being away.

The next thought I had after starting to put her together was just how grateful I am to Merideth because I had a horse that felt like butter in all three gaits. She knew we were working and, like an old pro, quietly and willingly answered all my questions with crystal clear, definitive responses. Even if they were not exactly correct, she was doing them willingly and genuinely trying. 

I decided within 10 minutes of riding Tillie that I need to somehow convince Meri to school Tillie more for a few reasons:

1. Merideth doesnt have the same baggage I do when it comes to Tillie so she has a fresh perspective on what Tillie feels like. There is no "Normal" or what Tillie usually does, but rather this is how it needs to feel in the universal sense. 
2. Merideth doesnt coddle Tillie like I do and gets after her when she starts to evade, therefore problems get nipped right away before they become problems.
3. Having another rider other then me makes Tillie more educated and versatile so she is more accepting of the aids. 

These late night rides are exhausting

Her canter transitions were on point...relaxed into it, yet sitting and really pushing into the canter without all the extraneous "weeee we go fast now". We did a bit of schooling of the canter to trot transitions as she wanted to fall behind my leg and tense into it (it felt like she would coil and do a itty bitty canter before breaking into an unbalanced trot) rather then seek the contact and step into it.

After one time establishing this isnt how its done, she was much better keeping her spine more relaxed...relaxed for Tillie anyway. 

 I did ride with my reins incorrectly how my last trainer suggested and I must admit, it was kinda nice. I couldn't hang on Tillie even if I wanted to. Holding them that way made me use my reins when needed and leave them alone when not as well as carry my hands. 

I also pulled my stirrups for the last 20 minutes in the name of No Stirrup November and tried to use this opportunity to get Tillie to stretch more into contact and take a longer, lower frame (this is something Merideth started working on in her lesson with her and apparently Tillie was quite rude about jerking down). 

I know she can stretch!! Now how to do it under saddle?!

Trying the new:

Tillie quite happily trotted along not really doing much...so basically did NOT understand what I wanted at all without giving me any answers really at all. Hey at least we had a rhythm down right? So as my legs are screaming at me I keep trying to apply my leg and take it off so I dont nag with it on constantly. I think she thought I just wanted to stay "Here" and that was that.

So I tried getting different answers from her by asking for smaller steps without losing the energy, then, when that didnt work, bigger steps without speeding up. I tried staying on a 20m circle then spiraling larger and smaller to see if she had a preference...Nope. Nothing. 

Tillie's version of long and low has only happened while galloping at warp speed.

I could tell she was getting a bit confused so did some lateral movements shes really good at to build her confidence again and then tried again. 

Damn mare holds her neck righhhht where it meets the withers and just wont stretch at the trot. At the walk, got it. Ask for it at the trot and its like she doesnt trust her own balance. I mmmayyybe started getting a litttttle longer by the end but it was only a few steps here or there and more so tracking right then left. 

This picture is extremely dark, BUT it is one of her from the first few months I had her where she is
 stretching and showing she is capable of seeking contact. 

She just doesnt follow the contact like she should. Eventually as I slowly slip the rein, she will but at a certain point there is nothing and she eventually seems to either get bored or just isnt sure and she comes above the contact again. 

I stayed patient and changed my approach to just asking for any iota of a response, right or wrong, rather then her going around doing nothing. Eventually I did get small responses so I guess that is good right? **sigh** Something I'll need to ask about in a follow up lesson later this week. I also am toying with setting up my mullen bridle again and riding her in that for this purpose to get her seeking the contact again - the trick being not letting her lean or fall on the forehand. 

I DONT WANNA TACO BOUT IT

Anyone that rides or owns horses knows the extreme highs and lows one can and will experience. Especially if working towards a goal or for those of us that compete. This blog is dedicated to the things that are not pretty and I often times find myself thinking:

The cold hard truths on the path we have taken, where we want to go and asking the questions you bury deep down. Me for example: I fear I have a horse that is too much for me. It isnt something I say out loud often for fear it will become something that will overwhelm my thoughts and make me more insecure or worse, actually become worse and make me have to do something about it. It is really unmentionable.

I haven't given up on our partnership though and feel our work together isn't anywhere near complete. There are days I feel totally competent and have faith we will reach my ultimate goal of a 1* event. (Well now I said that out loud so guess I have to make it happen eventually!) Yet our struggles force me to question if we both are actually getting somewhere or just hindering each other's ability to grow.

Tillie clearly disagrees with me putting my foot down and saying NO to tearing around XC like a maniac

Horses have a way of making us humble, and sometimes the more extreme feeling of inadequate. This is not a sport for the faint of heart. I see professionals and other amateurs facing similar struggles and my faith is restored that I too will have a partnership that strong that it appears to be effortless.

Another thing I dont admit out loud often: I have a real phobia of riding new horses I do not know well. The CHA certification week was a nice way to dull that fear slightly (well they were all beginner safe horses so I hope so lol).

One of the few horses I got on and felt comfortable enough to jump in the first ride. 4yr old green OTTB that I owned for a brief time because of how comfortable I felt in this test ride. 

I know that this fear is my body's self preservation at it's finest, but I cant help but feel ridiculous. Tillie is not an easy horse by any means, but she certainly isnt the hardest thing I have ever seen or come across. I know I have a lot of tools in my tool belt to be able to ride most horses I have the opportunity to ride. So why the hesitation?

I certainly am not guilty of overestimating my abilities, but I am also aware of what I do and dont feel comfortable with. I SHOULD feel comfortable riding most of the horses I have had the opportunity to at this point, yet I still feel insecure.

I was way more confident on my old guy, despite being green...I was much less educated here BUT I thought I knew a lot. Ohhhh how things have changed. 

Adding in another wrench, I probably would have no problems riding the horse in question alone without an audience. So I guess that means I am worried this said horse will call out a lack of ability making it apparent to an audience what my weakness as a rider are.

I know them, so who cares if other people do? I am pretty darn open...BUT I also know I put a ton of pressure on myself and have really high standards. I started riding later then most people and competing only a few years ago...so I feel incredibly behind.

Total fail moment

I see trainers in my area that are younger or my age just killing it and make it all look so easy while I'm over here like "I dont have enough leg for that" or "I have no breaks!!"

My face here says it all - NOT ENOUGH LEG! 

Now, any of my followers know I have no issues talking about my shortcomings and confidence issues. What I keep locked away though are some of the darker fears of being over-horse, scared of new horses and scared I'll never reach my goals.

We all have fears and mine seem to have become a frequent demon this year that has made me sensitive and thin skinned which I never was before. I hear something about Tillie and immediately think its a reflection of me and my work with her. Something as simple as she played hard in the field so she isn't calm enough...she doesn't go long and low to seek contact yet so she doesn't understand contact...she jumps over her shoulder. etc. ALL things that are true and can be worked on, but still somewhere along the lines I get defensive in my head or panic I am ruining her.

Ruining me?! NOOOOOO

Anyway, there it is...my I don't wanna taco bout it. I don't know many other people will want to share theirs, but I can always do a blog hop if people seem interested.

New trainer...yay or neigh?

The new potential trainer/instructor made the drive out to the farm last night. He was polite and seemed to know a lot from what I could decipher from his accent.

I did my research on him before coming, the little that I could find. I dont want to share too much to keep his identity safe, but he is fairly new to the US (which I knew) so does not have many clients yet or any prospects. His background is in jumpers and eventing at the 1* level...which I did find records on.

So not quite as experienced as the other few trainers I have used and he is the youngest (not by much). BUT age and experience, while they do mean more wisdom, does not always mean they are good at sharing and teaching that wisdom.

He said all the same things about Tillie that I have been hearing from all the other trainers. The top ones that stood out:

1. She needs to soften her back more
2. Her lateral movements are shockingly amazing and nimble
3. She needs to use her hind end more  

He rode her first so I could see his style....and because this person or whoever my next trainer will be, will potentially help me with a training rides here or there like D does. Right away I noticed how much Tillie did not seem to mind him. New riders to her are usually like fresh meat...she tail swishes and squeals and threatens all sorts of non-sense before settling in to work. 

Tillie did none of those things and seemed pleased to work. Her ears were listening and floppy at times and you could see the wheels turning in her head as he rode her around. 

He did a lot of counter bending, asking for bigger steps then "shhhhing" her and asking for slower steps. He played around with some shoulder in too. 

They trotted A LOT. He seemed to have the same approach as C in getting her going before asking to connect. He worked with her on her wanting to brace through the changing rein when changing from tracking right to left. I like what I saw when he would put his inside hand forward giving her a floppy rain for few strides and pat her before picking it up again...something I am really bad about doing.

They then moved on to schooling canter transitions. He said she needs to be better about sitting when going into them and make it clearer rather then the few quick trot steps before leading into the canter. He also instigated a more forward canter to attempt to get her excited (since I mentioned this was an issue) and then correct it by using his seat. 

 He was quite impressed at the walk and trot how responsive she was to the seat for transitioning and said she just needs that same level at the canter. He then was trying to get her to stretch more at the trot, but she just didnt relax enough in her back to allow for that. I heard him using his voice and "shhhing" her a lot which I thought was cool.

He then had me get on to try to recreate the canter transitions he just schooled. So it was a little bit of a taste for what a lesson would be like. Immediately when I got on, I notices how much more in the reins Tillie felt. It's hard to say if it was a good feeling or bad, it just felt like I had a lot more there...usually the contact is so light so sometimes its hard to make that half halt with her. 

He gave me some homework to do - which I always love homework! I need to be able to recreate the lesson without my trainer there to a certain extent. He suggested lots of random ground poles to randomly work over them to help "surprise" Tillie and ride through that to promote getting her relaxed...Also raise caveletti in trot work to build strength. 

When jumping she recommended only using placement poles. 

So here is their first few rounds of trotting...so she wasnt quite as relaxed here. But I look forward to hearing anyone's thoughts and open to suggestions on other local trainers. 

Where there are highs there are lows

So my lesson post two days ago was so over joyed that I admit I felt like I was on top of the world. I have to really watch and manage my emotions better when it comes to our progress because such highs make the lows that much lower.

Let me stop right here and preface the rest of this post by saying, my ride last night was not a low worth complaining about at all by any means. It just feels that way after having THAT fabulous of a ride...and in all fairness, I did get on knowing I would probably not get even a shadow of the ride I had in my lesson with C. I know it will take way more time for both Tillie and I to achieve the consistency of what we can in a lesson setting, outside of one at home.

Sweaty Tillie says "I tired"

The tone of the ride didnt start of well for a number of reasons. First, there was a HUGE lesson happening with 4 or 5 students in addition to two other rides (aside from myself) also trying to get in rides. Now, I can share my space...and I also teach beginner lessons at my barn so understand the difficulty of trying to herd the students and remind them of ring etiquette...But trying to ride amid the chaos was really frustrating once I tried to start our trot work.

Look, I totally understand, these students are learning and just don't always have the degree of control and sometimes cut the ring corners, come off the rail..etc. I ALSO understand I am an adult advanced rider that should be capable of navigating and adapting to this environment. I guess though I was on the struggle bus because I felt like every time I began to ask for our trot we would have to suddenly veer or dart out of someone's way.

I at first was frustrated with Tillie...Why mare cant you just soften like the wonderfully flexible cloud I was riding the day before? Why on earth are you falling in left and speeding up tracking left? Well take a stressful day at work + the chaos of that many riders in the ring = a very tense me. 

I pulled a few one-rein stops because she would tense up, especially tracking left, brace and cross her jaw - to which a spectator would think I am crazy for flexing my horse into a one rein stop. Can I add: I HATE getting after my horse in front of other people. I know sometimes you have to and I feel terrible too because I know it wasnt her fault exactly...but I still really get unsettled by it. 

The wonderful thing about horses - they dont hold it against you.

Hey mom, dont be sad! 

So the ring cleared out a bit and all was left was myself, fellow blogger Emma and a lease rider. So all perfectly capable of navigating a ring. Well struggle bus was still full force because I STILL felt in the way. 

I also admit my homework from C is to stay off the rail so Tillie can balance herself without the rail as a guide so I am probably the one at fault here. 

I basically threw up my hands at one point and just took a minute to try to erase the first 20 min and start over. After a few more conversations with Tilie and pushing through tension, I felt like we FINALLY got over the hump and parked the struggle bus for the night. 

A very worn out Tillie just wants to go to bed

I did a lot of changing rein again, REALLY trying not to let her rush to the left or pull her out with my right rein. I played around a bit with my weight like we did with C and VOILA!! Magically we got left bend. 

From there, things got better. Cantering was a huge win...I could throw away my inside rein and she would stay bent, turning off my outside aids. Right lead especially I got the most lovely soft connection and downward transitions. Something really clicked in the canter for me and I felt like I could use leg and ask for more without thinking "OMG this is way too fast!"

I let her stretch at the end and played with her moving off both legs and a stretchy trot...which shockingly Tillie did without pulling or yanking the contact down like she normally wants to. 

All in all, I walked away from the ride feeling a bit let down on myself for not having patience and not adapting to the situation (considering its the perfect show ring warm up scenario) and feeling incredibly happy my horse is resilient...for the most part. 

How do you guys turn off and reroute your frustrations? 

Looking for Advice?

Since Tillie is out of commission a few days, I'll post this finally after toying with it for a while.

Talking with fellow blogger: Emma we both came to similar conclusions when it comes to the general topic of "advice" in the horse world. More specifically, why we ask for advice from others. To be clear, this isn't when you ask advice from a trainer or instructor...it's when you ask advice from fellow riders or someone you are not paying.

The end result usually ends with the person you ask getting offended because you rejected their advice, or you get offended by whatever it is they suggest. Even if no one admits to being offended, they are. Not always, but I admit I have gotten a bit ruffled in the past by some advice shared.

 BUT lets visit why we ask for advice to begin with. 

For me, it is usually out of desperation and a place of insecurity. In some way it is my way of seeking some sort of validation. Well when you get an answer you weren't exactly expecting or one that feeds the validation, feelings get hurt. 

So how do we remedy this? It sounds so simple...just dont ask or seek validation from anyone else but yourself and your trusted professional right? Easy peasy. But this wonderful sport totally sucks us in and whether you are a professional or an amateur, one that just dabbles or takes it seriously we all are invested. It's personal.

We are dealing with another living, breathing, thinking thing that throws curve balls our way and forces us to always be on our toes. Some horses more than others! Either way, those curve balls sometimes reveal our insecurities in what we are doing...is my horse happy? Are we  progressing on the right path? Is my horse sound? What comes next? 

Sooooo many questions arise and sometimes even our trusted paid professionals we rely on can't answer them or give us the satisfaction. Mostly we want to know right now! Again, because we want the validation and we want a clear statement with a concrete conclusion. So we ask...or vent about it to those around us and by doing that, it opens the door to receiving the advice.

The advice given is simply what has worked or happened in that particular person's experience. So if you really think about it, they are sharing a piece of themselves with you. They are sharing when they experienced a similar insecure time. I try to remind myself of this...especially when the advice is given unsolicited and without the open door conversation happening.

**Sigh** most of the time I try to believe people's intentions are good. Then the getting offended seems to not happen so easily. 

Our horses always seem to be teaching us the life lesson...time and patience. Two things that are really hard to be ok with and settle into while you're hanging out "in the meantime" waiting for an answer. Whether it is a training/riding frustration or a soundness one - Both are ones that eat at us until we feel we have resolution. 

At the end of the day our horses are our passion. When we question or vent or talk we are questioning our own ability which always makes a person feel fragile. Hopefully there is eventually a resolution which always seems to happen over an extraordinarily long amount of time. BUT hopefully you walk away from it a little wiser.