It's been a while...

Well hello again blogger friends (if I still even have any left). I went on a bit of a hiatus for so many reasons, but in a nutshell I was burnt out. I changed barns, started up my own lesson program, got Tillie to prelim, Tillie got hurt, I moved in with my (then newer) significant other while paying off some significant divorce debt., my job became way more intrusive and the flexibility I once enjoyed was slipping away...can you say WAY too much on my plate?!

Yes I have a pet pig now (Meet Penelope)

I did it to myself. Rather than stop and smell the wilting roses and process all the change, I powered through pretending I was ruling it all. When really it was slowly chipping away at me. I felt constantly overwhelmed and feeling like I needed more time in a day. I knew things had to change, but I didn't know what it was that had to give or what I felt ok with giving up.

Isn't she just the cutest?

My horses had to take a back seat for a while and that really got me down. I work very hard to pay for them (we all know they aren't cheap even when just hanging out). I felt like I was doing all the work and busting my butt feeding shifts to make extra money...try to teach despite the crappy weather every. single. weekend. All while not having the time to enjoy or ride my horses. I even started listing both for sale to see which one would sell to try and cut back...and I am SO glad that didn't happen.

But I really got into cooking though...

Despite the time off not being by choice, it did myself and my mares a world of good.
I found a new job that is only 10 minutes from home and 20 from the farm...with flexibility and work I REALLY love. I didn't realize how my last job was eating away at me. I fought so hard to stay for so long (like my marriage) because I thought it was a good job for me. And it is a great job for someone and a great company...but it no longer fit ME and what was good for me.

Don't worry Goose is still around, all grown up and ornery AF

The week I started my new job, I went down to for my annual visit to Kentucky for the big 5* Land Rover Three Day Event and it brought me back to life. I swear that was not intentionally planned!! And my trainer Dom Schramm was riding in it - so I was THRILLED to go and cheer him on. All I can say is the trip brought me back to life in regards to my motivation with my horses.

Kiss (my 5yr old Ottb) schooling on Tuesday

Tillie (10 yrs old now wtf) schooling Wednesday

I fully intended this season to just plod along and come what may come...but I felt inspired and realized I can do this again. It will take time, but I have it in me. I have the support system, the coolest horses (I was taking for granted) and now the time to be able to do it! (heck yea no more two hour daily commute!). I have come back home and literally hit the ground running with both girls...being aware to take it day by day and not burn myself out again.

However the entries are flying and my bank account draining...

Anyway...I am hoping to get back to blogging to document this season. I have a few, ok A LOT to catch up on and fill everyone in - if anyone still follows me that is. See you all around!

Glory Days

It's amazing looking back at old footage or photos how easy it all looks.  But we all know, in the moment or even moments surrounding that moment was a ton of blood, sweat and tears.

Lately, I have been really nostalgic and review tons of old footage and photos. I guess I am hungry to reflect, learn and keep growing despite feeling a bit unmotivated as far as actually getting in the saddle lately. I blame this some what on an impromptu weekend away at a barn friends bachelorette weekend...and it was right up my ally ( much to my surprise)

Dont usually like selfies or this much of a close up...but gotta love the beach curls

It was really nice to lay around, nap on the beach and most of all swim...what can I say, I am an active person at hear ;)

I realized on my mini vaca that I feel a bit unmotivated in general and have felt a bit weird lately when it comes to riding. Reflecting on this more, I sort of feel like its because I reached my HUGE milestone I set to make it to training level. While there is much to work on and clean up here, its a major accomplishment for me that we made it here and with me in the saddle.

Lots of this lately and its lovely

Dont get me wrong, the lessons are still happening...and lots of learning. I am just laying a bit low lately, hence the lack of blogging.

ALLLLLL the lessons still 

Tillie has been on point, and we have gotten great feedback in lesson noticing overall improvement and thats great to hear! I am still my own worst critic and can admit at times when I feel defeated, I back off before I rally and make my big comeback to kick my fear's ass.

Like galloping on purpose at home in the field. 

Ive turned to an old friend lately to help me relax when I dont ride, and its sketching or drawing!! For those that dont know me well, my degree is in art and design. While I do more marketing and graphic and web design now, my passion still is with good old fashion illustration and painting (particularly charcoal or oil paintings)

Beginning phase of my latest drawing but now including color pencil

Final result

It has felt reallllly good to pick up the pencil again...and I love being able to combine both horses and drawing together. My goal is to fill up my sketch book and just experiment....and i hope it carries over to my riding too. Stop trying to make it all so perfect and just get lost in the art of it all.

I finally today got my professional photos from our last event at Waredaca and boy am I excited to share them. I purchased them because I feel like they captured all Tillie and I have worked for this year...and it basically is me reliving the glory of this moment. Running the XC and being so stoked we ran Training I was choked up running across the finish here.

I really love the last two because you can see me grinning from ear to ear...which is rare to see me do when riding, let along mid-jump. Look at all the other photos and my face ranges from being dead serious, to GRRRRR to "holy shit."

But these last two really epitomize the relationship Tillie and I have built this year. This was one of the trickier combos on the course. It was the B element after a fairly decent bank up, bending line to this skinny. Tillie was brave, hunted the fence and took me right to the base of it without any hesitation at all.

I knew once we jumped it we were home free and my smile and HUGE praise to her and pats after this were just so ridiculous, but to me this moment was the height of all we worked for.

Call me a sap, call my sentimental...but getting to this point has been quite the journey. Most of it documented here. I fret over small things and agonize about our progress, but at the end of the day THIS photo captures our journey this season. Our #progressnotperfection.

I LOVE this mare so much for being able to start this season out at BN and doing Training, with me in the saddle, in the same season and feel sooo good doing it. Sure, her rider needs to figure her shit out and stop getting so nervous, but my mare has stepped up and proven she thrives in this sport. I cant even believe I ever questioned it now.

I promise to try to update my blog more regularly...we have some more things and events on the agenda before the season ends to stay tuned!!!

putting it into words

This season so far has surpassed my wildest dreams. I am incredibly grateful for the support system I have; The blogging community (I know I have more lurkers than commenters but I know you are all there!), my friends, barn mates, family, trainers...the list goes on. I wish I was better at putting it into words how thankful I am to have people in my corner that believe in me and Tillie, even when I waiver. This sport isn't one that can be done without support...as Dom Schramm has said, "It takes team work to make the dream work"

Last year course walking with friends

With that said, I am using this post to sort of relish in just how far we have come since winter and count my blessings. I know how fickle confidence can be and how easy it is for one split second your horse can go from being fine to not fine. You could say this Saturday was a bit of a moment of reflection when there was a moment of thinking we may be out the rest of the season. 

moments like this were quite frequent in our rides for the first few years

Oddly enough, in that moment, I felt positive despite potentially being done for the season. I felt incredibly happy with what Tillie has done, how hard shes tried for me and counted my blessings that I even have a horse capable (the whole cellulitis thing a few years ago still lives in the back of my brain). 

Yep or this...

I almost want someone to pinch me to make sure this is real life. I think back to the first 3 years of owning her...and it was hard. REALLY HARD. 

Not that we dont have hard moments now, we do. But thats just it, they are moments now, no longer entire rides or outings. They have slowly dissipated into a horse that knows her job know and gets excited without the leaping and twisting in the air. 

soooo much of this....

 Its funny how change like this happens. It isnt over night so you dont even realize its happening...every day thats shes been good I have been eternally grateful -

As are my limbs which my left ankle still isnt quite right from two winters ago from this:

I have a hard time really enjoying success because I want everyone around me to be feeling happy where they are too...but such is life and we dont live in a perfect world. I also have gotten so used to feeling good, and then the rug being pulled out and either Tillie would get injured and be back on stall rest or something under saddle felt like a set back. So Ive been extremely cautious to allow myself to fully let my guard down for fear the universe is waiting to throw something terrible my way.

You know like this, or the stitches...

My posts lately, including this one, are trying to be more positive thinking and trying to allow myself to enjoy our progress. I nit pick everything little thing in our rides, every video. I am my own harshest critique which is why most of my posts on social media have the hash tag #progressnotperfection because while I know we are improving, I KNOW we are never ever going to be perfect (despite what Tillie may think). 

Starting to jump like a normal, quiet horse

I have had a lot of really cool things happen to me this year...making doing all the things and the lessons so much more accessible. My truck and trailer purchase was one that initially I had a slight twinge of buyers remorse thinking of the price tag, but now do not regret it at all.

Hello gorgeous

This purchase allowed me to take way more P lessons to get our jumping under control and just something not soooo exciting for Tillie:

It has also meant way more dressage lessons with C, which have gotten my poor downhill-built mare able to carry herself more uphill:

It has meant more clinics and xc schooling...making going places also not such a huge deal, and XC not jumps that are so incredibly exciting for Tillie we have to go warp speed at them:

and of course all the shows we have been to this year:

Tillie continues to surprise me, both good and bad. I am realizing the more and more we progress, the more and more neither of us know. Kind of like the blind leading the blind. I am relying heavily on my trainers to coach us through and really excited at the long laundry list of them that I have that they all are saying similar things or at least not contradicting each others training methods. 

Would NEVER have schooled like this at home before

I know we will always have a ton of work to do. It will never end. Right now, its inspiring when before I used to feel defeated at that thought. I think because I have realistic goals where as last year I was wayyyyy too ahead of myself. Stepping back and working on baby steps has helped us progress way faster this year than before!

So why now reflect on alllll this and get all mushy on everyone? Well, her close call last weekend put some things into perspective, but we also have another move up coming this weekend. I signed up to do a derby at FH at training level which includes stadium and XC only. It isnt timed and basically a fundraising event so mostly a schooling situation....but perfect to test us because these two phases are the ones that really will tell us if we are ready for a full event or not.

Think we can manage this in the dressage training level test?!

I have been really agonizing over whether its the right thing, if I am setting the bar too high too soon again. Novice has been feeling realllllly good. The past few events have been a breeze for Tillie and shes only been getting more confident, but still I dont want to risk pushing too fast too soon. I sightly panicked for a last minute additional jump lesson with Dan in addition to Dom this week letting him know why and I was instantly put at ease by his oddly pep-talk like response: "You'll be fine"

While that may not seem like a great pep talk or confidence instilling...from Dan it is. In the past he would bluntly tell me to wait to go show if he felt we werent ready so the fact he is ok'ing it and saying we will be fine, really makes me believe we will be fine. 

So we are officially on the road to Training level!! We will see how the derby goes this weekend...we also have another starter novice at FH July 2 and one more recognized Novice at Loch moy July 10. If those both go as swimmingly, we are aiming for a move up at our old stomping grounds OF for their recognized trials which I am told their Training is a nice softer one. 

So keep us in your thoughts because all the good vibes are working!! :) 

The Anniversary of why I am a worry warrior

On this very day two years ago, marks the event that has turned me into the worry warrior that I am today...call it PTSD or neurosis but either way it scarred me for life. I had two horses injured at one point before this and was all "they'll be fine" and took it all in stride, but for whatever reason, this event did me in.

Tillie was depressed and lethargic when I got there...so imagine my alarm when my
bright eyed and usually nutty OTTB was acting this way even after being stalled for 24 hours.

I worked a full day of work when I was driving home and got a call from a barnmate. They said Tillie's leg was swollen...and I should call me vet because she was non weight bearing and had a high fever. As I said, I have had injuries before, but this was the first potential career ending or worse yet life ending injury.

So one panicked call to my vet later he was on his way while I cold hosed her leg which looked even worse then I imagined.

Holy moly fat leg batman

The crazy thing is, we had just had a snow storm, so everyone was in stalls all night and day so I was not sure how on earth she could have done such a number on herself. I start rattling off all the possible things it could be and literally felt like I couldnt breath...after all I only have had Tillie at this point since July - roughly 7 months.

Tucked away just after being poked and prodded all night.

The vet came and right away administered bute and banimine as well as antibiotics as well as tapped the joint fluid to check for a joint infection...it was too swollen to ultrasound, but we xrayed to rule out any breaks. Basically it turned into a waiting game..if she wasnt any better by the next day to clinic we would go as well as wait for the joint fluid results.

Where the joint fluid was pulled

I was up and at the barn by 4am with Tillie still a bit under the weather...and I couldnt wait to take a look at her.  I breathed a slight sigh a relief...the swelling was down slightly. Not great, but she was walking on it slightly better..still hobbling on it, but wanting and willing to move.

The next day...still depressed, but more mobile.

 Called my vet and he gave us our orders to sit tight and wait: So we pressed on to another day with orders to cold hose and DMSO and wrap 2x a day. Side note: my vet was phenomenal through this case...he really did answer and ASK for me to call him all hours of the day with updates and texts, videos and pictures. I didnt blog yet so ALL of these pictures were to send to him for updates.

The swelling seemed stagnant the next few days which continued to worry me. Luckily some worries were assuaged when we got the results that the joint fluid was clear with no infection...it just begged the question what on earth this was all from. At this point my vet started throwing around cellulities but kept saying it was just odd the swelling was being so persistent.

The next day:

Still giant :( so my vet planned to come out and do a regional profusion where he basically used a tourniquet  below her stifle and then pumped IV antibiotics directly into her leg for close to an hour. She was already taking oral antibiotics and banimine, plus got another shot of Exceed (i think) - thick peanut butter like antibiotic. At this point I started her on rantidine to help with digesting all the bute and SMZs.

Day three after the initial event:

Her skin was starting to crack and peel in some areas from the pressure from the swelling so we combated that to prevent further infection and did the first overnight sweating of the limb - DMSO  plus Furacin saran wrapped under a standing bandage.

I could hardly believe the improvement the next morning! We were cleared after this to start hand walking a few laps and now she was at least standing without pointing the limb and only a 3/5 lameness.

The vet had me only cold hose in the morning and no longer DMSO since she was starting to show scurfing and irritation, but it was progress. So he had us do another overnight sweat:

It was getting there, but the hock was still retaining ALOT of swelling that my vet seemed a bit perplexed about. He decided to keep having us hand walk and if she could remain calm, try limited hour long turn out in the round pen so she could move a bit more and see if more movement would help. 

So I would go every day before work at 4am to rewrap it and administer meds to make sure she ate them and again after work to cold horse or sweat the limb, hand walk her and then turn her out while I cleaned her stall and set it up for the next 24 hours. 

Tillie was much brighter and eating more.

My vet must have not been 100% confident in movement working, so he decided to come out and do an ultrasound...the first of many of the next few weeks. I started to worry again more since we were improving in many ways but the swelling still just wasnt going anywhere. I started researching other treatments and purchased a hand held cold laser therapy machine that was the correct strength for horses and added that to our routine BUT it seemed to drastically help!

Looks kind of like this

Some definition coming back t the limb but the hock still huge.

 My vet still couldnt find anything depsite all the ultrasounding and finally referred me to go to a specialist since he was concerned he was missing something.

Notice her skin funk and scurfing from all the touching, prodding, cold hosing.

So The next day I packed up a trailer and off we went to our local hospital. It was my first time hauling by myself and it was terrible not having anyone there. Plus Tillie wasnt nearly as good at loading she she is now so it was stressful all around.

Tillie waiting to go to the clinic.

 More sedation and alcohol on the leg for ultrasounding...poor things leg was so dry from it all I wasnt sure how much more it could take. The specialist spent some time on the phone with my vet and looked over the xrays and all in all said it was just a weird case, BUT it was cellulitis and just keep doing what we are doing and even start building up to turn out. He prescribed previcox to get her off the bute and give her stomach a break and told me go home and turn her out for a few hours and just watch her in case she got too excited.

Way to stay calm Tillie

Well she didnt exactly stay calm, but she was fine by the time she was still enough for me to catch her.

Random note: the fact that I can remember this all two years later is a testament to how much this all scarred me. 

We had another snow storm looming and now Tillie was starting to feel better she started getting a bit rowdy in her stall...5 yr old OTTB on stall rest for a few weeks = crazy town. She would start losing it whenever she heard me coming knowing I was the one feeding her and letting her get out of the box. 

FEEEEED ME.

Weirdo licking the stall door.

So yea, stall licking was happening alot so I started her on electrolytes and a salt block in her food bowl which she never failed to throw it out into her bedding and bury it somewhere. This also marks when we attempted to move her stall next to another horse on stall rest to see if it would help calm her down but it only made them kick and fuss at each other all day...so we moved them a stall apart so they could see each other but not make contact. 

because bandage bows happen when kicking happens

So yea...a minor set back from the bandage bow from it slipping from her kicking. But moving them and ace did the trick. At least for a period of time...She started losing weight from all the stress, but also she started going through a growth spurt. (can anyone say bum high!?)

We built up to a few hours out each day in a small paddock and while Tillie wasnt exactly good about staying calm, she managed to keep herself out of trouble. That is until a few days into turn out her leg was much larger again...coincidentally after the snow started to melt and there was mud, so my vet though a relapse :(

See Mom I am being good!

Not to keep boring everyone with details but it was a long process...I moved her from this facility for a while to one of my trainers and was a working student for a while thinking that would at least educate me more while on the sidelines.

So we settled in there and finished out rehabbing and working up to full turn out....it wasnt without its ups and downs.

just after stepping off the trailer

This is about the time Tillie discovered she was a fire breathing dragon...below is a still frm a video I was taking for my vet to show progress.

We started back into light work after another month...but she continued to come in with random injuries and had lingering swelling in the limb for quite some time. She was still not 100% sound even after moving her to the facility we are at now (where I teach lessons and much closer to home). The entire summer of 2015 was spent battling this lameness and trying to figure out if it was related or not (right hind was not stepping under her as much as the left).  

Here is some from her in April.

soooo much poulticing

Looks who started gaining weight and evening back out!

June starting back into work:

and a puncture wound....setting us back about a week again.

Then we moved to where we are now and after a few more weeks off  from what we thought was suspensory strain in that same leg....and DMSO....I could RIDE!!! ALLL smiles :)

So ultrasounds showed nothing, and the residual lameness my vet had us tackle it by putting on hind shoes, a slow build up back into full work (like so slow) and pentosan. Its been slow but shes been SOUND. I make this part of the story sound less stressful then it was. But I was told to ride my horse and see what happens....so every ride I was asking people does she look ok? for fear of it getting worse or not getting better.  

She has been off the pentosan now for a full year (I took her off last winter) but her hind shoes are still on. You guys have since heard what we have been up to since then...Now I get to worry about normal training things like her trying not to kill me and while I get upset and down sometimes on where we are, I always am soooooo grateful I have a horse that is ride-able. 

winter 2015